Vampires: Part 2

Ryan, what is the best way to use garlic?

Okay, what are we talking about here?  Meats or sauces?  When you're using garlic powder to season meats, you generally want to just have a light dusting spread evenly on both sides.  Not too much.  Elkus won't eat it if it has too much.  Try and get a picture of snow flakes lightly breezing through a crisp morning in Grace Town, Iowa.  Got it?  Okay, now make your garlic powder do that on the meat.

If you're simmering a sauce, you want to start with a block of butter, and then --

Ryan, get your head out of your butt.  I meant with vampires.

Garlic with vampires?  Well... that is just preposterous.  Now, I've heard of some rumor that garlic can weaken vampires, but it doesn't work.  However, I know how you are.  You're going to try it either way.  So I might as well take you through a scenario.

STEP 1:
Elkus is going to need to put a trap door in the ceiling above the dining room table.  You might not understand why, but he does.  Just let him do his thing.

STEP 2:
While Elkus is doing his project, you need to season up some raw hamburgers.  Add garlic powder.  Or crush up whole cloves and place in the meat.  Either way is fine. 

STEP 3:
Cook your meat.  It will be during this time when the doorbell sounds.  I'll go ahead and tell you, it's Bocephus.  (Remember him?  Vampires:  Part 1?  Yep, you got it!  You're so smart!)  He's going to be very polite and ask if he may enter.

STEP 4:
For the record:  I would recommend that you just go ahead and pull the machete out of your pants, and send some holy wrath through his neck with your blade.  Then you and Elkus can chow on some hamburgers, and then play a round of Uno in the tree house.  (Oh yeah, Elkus loves to play Uno -- He's really good, too.  You might as well understand that he will beat you.  Every.  Time.  It's like some voodoo black Uno magic.  I can't explain it.)

Since you're not going to do that, the next thing to do is invite Bocephus in for dinner.  Bocephus will respond with a delightful acceptance.

STEP 5:
Bocephus will eat his food, all the while being polite.  During this time, Elkus will need to crawl into the ceiling rafters.  Don't worry about small details of where Elkus will enter.  He'll find a cranny... no worries. 

STEP 6:
Bocephus will go on and on about how wonderful your hamburger was.  He will point out all the strengths of your culinary abilities, and will leave out any of your shortcomings.

Elkus is taking his place above the trap door.  Keep entertaining Bocephus.

STEP 7:
Bocephus will then stand up, give a courteous bow, and try to rip your throat out for dessert.

STEP 8:
You try to pull your machete out of your pants, but you're so scared that it gets stuck.  See?  Why do you keep arguing with me about these things?  Don't worry... you'll learn.

STEP 9:
Elkus drops through the trap door, does a back flip on the way down, and then rips Bocephus's head off with his bare hands.

While this is an amazing thing to witness, wouldn't it have just been simpler to take care of business at the front door?  Now you've wasted a good hamburger.  Also, there's vampire juices and whatnot all over the place.  It's going to take a while to clean all this stuff.  Use clorox and vinegar.

STEP 10:
A)  Thank Elkus for being the awesome dude that he is.
B)  Buy Elkus a deck of Uno cards.
C)  Play Elkus in a victory round of Uno.


Hope this was helpful!  Remember: garlic with vampires is stupid.

Stay strong, bubbas!