Bewitching A Witch

So, here you are alone and in the middle of the woods again. (You really should consider another hobby, but we’ll discuss that another time). The real issue here is that you have found yourself smack in the middle of a good ‘ol fashioned witches coven. Hopefully, since we have already had a similar discussion about werewolves, you have come prepared with weaponry of some kind. So let’s discuss. What exactly will you need to protect yourself from witches?

#1 - Water is NOT going to work- Seriously? You think witches really melt? C’mon. Splashing your Dasani on a witch is just going to piss her off. They spend a lot of time getting that green makeup just so-so. If you want to spend the next 400 years as a toad, give it a shot. But if I were going to attempt this one, I’d shake the bottle furiously…while running and screaming the other direction. Ribbit.

#2- Burning at the stake- Hey, I read the Crucible in high school, I got this. No, you do not. Let’s think about this for a minute. What exactly are you planning on fashioning a stake out of, MacGyver? Even if you can get even ONE of the witches on a stake, the rest of her fellow witches will surely have you transformed into a chicken before you can strike a match. Besides, despite hanging out in the woods alone all the time, I get the feeling you haven’t tried to start very many fires. It’s really freaking hard. And I am assuming you don’t have any lighter fluid in that canteen of yours. Did you even bring a canteen? No? Oh, I’m shocked.   

#3-A silver bullet- Okay, witches aren’t werewolves, pay attention. However, a bullet could work. On second thought, witches are big on accessorizing. (Why do you think they always wear such fancy shoes and hats?) You would probably do better if you just hand over your silver jewelry rather than making more bullets. I mean, you already lost your IPOD. And let’s face it; you are a terrible shot anyway.

#4-Using a demon midget as bait- This is probably the best idea yet, and since you seem to like hanging out in the woods with all these terrifying creatures you should have no trouble finding one. Everybody knows that witches eat little children. And in the dark, a demon midget can easily be mistaken for a bratty kid. A good idea would probably be to go ahead and gag him so that he won’t be spouting anything in German and giving himself away. You want to use the little guy to peak the witches’ interest and take the focus off of you. Now’s the time to make a midget bomb. Fill that little demon full of pea soup, spin him around EXACTLY 82 times, and then chuck him at the witches. Don’t forget to remove the gag first! Voila’! Now run like the wind.

#5-Use the werewolves to your advantage- So, I assume you have been paying attention to the previous instructions and have befriended at least one werewolf. At this point, it would be a good idea to find him. Okay, when you locate him, have him take the headphones off (no, this is not a good time to bring up the Ipod) and follow you back to the witches. You don’t have to make him put on a shirt. The witches are just as spellbound by those pecs as you are. What I am asking you to do next will be a challenge, make no mistake.

Now, we are all aware that witches aren’t exactly blessed in the beauty department. (I mean, it’s hard to overlook that rather large nose with the wart on it, am I right?) Also, another drawback is that they are crazy cat ladies. Have you ever seen one without a black cat following her around? Didn’t think so.  And all that nose twitching? Allergies. So, this is going to take some smooth talking to convince the werewolf to help you out. Maybe you promise to take him to an REO Speedwagon concert afterwards? I’ll let you decide. (Approach this delicately, though. He’s still a werewolf, and he will eat you.) Regardless, he needs to be on board with a little “bewitching”, if ya know what I mean. Once you have him sufficiently flattering the witches “Wow, what is that glorious aroma wafting from that cauldron?  Is that demon midget I smell? Yummy!” or “My, look at all these brooms! I bet you keep an exceptionally tidy castle. You’re gonna make someone a great wife one day...” you can sneak out unnoticed.

Now that you’re back at home, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Time to check on those concert tickets. And while you’re at it, go ahead and buy him the T-shirt. Maybe he will actually wear it.