Werewolves: How d'ya like dem apples?

Okay, so preteens have been disappearing in your town.  How can you know for sure that it's werewolves?  Simple, go to Wal-Mart and check the inventory on all the baby-oil products.  Looking a little low?  Werewolves.  They tend to rub it on their bodies to bring out the lines in their muscles (whilst in human form, that is -- the thought of a hairy werewolf rubbing baby-oil on is just ridiculous).  Okay, so preteens are missing and baby-oil is all but non-existent?  Time to call Elkus.

Okay -- you and Elkus need to drive in the middle of nowhere, find bum-fricked Egypt, take a left, and go deep into the woods.  That is normally the way to find the active area for werewolves.  Once you hear "Amanda" by Boston being blasted and accompanied by harmonic growls... then you are in the right spot.  

Time to double back and get some apples.

Apples?  Ryan, what the crap are you talking about?

Apples.  Yes.  Apples.  For your horses.  Horses love apples.  True story.

Horses?

Dude, could you shut up and let me finish before interrupting?  Geez.  

As we know, werewolves are frickin' fast as frick.  How were you planning on chasing these suckers down?  On foot?  Yeah -- good luck with that Lance Armstrong.

Ryan, I'm pretty sure Lance Armstrong wasn't a runner.

We are trying to talk about serious stuff here!  Quit being a douche!

Okay, so do you have your horses ready?  Elkus is going to need to name his before he goes hunting.  You should probably do the same.  Most war horses like to have Spanish names.  Rodriguez, Miguel, Chalupa, etc.  All these will do fine.  Don't feed him/her too many apples before you hunt.  As we all know, apples are a natural stool-softener.  Do I really need to give details?

Ideally, you'd really want to be hunting with a Unicorn that has a silver spike coming off of his head.  Since Unicorns haven't been around since the Biblical days, I would suggest just strapping a silver spike to Rodriguez's head.  Don't worry, he'll like it.  He always does.  Horses are known for role-playing as Unicorns.

(Side note:  Not kidding about unicorns in the Bible... don't believe me?  Google it!)

After that, your horses are going to do most of the work for you.  Just start chasing the werewolves down.  You might want to carry a hatchet (or something to that effect) to wave in the air and yell as your horse charges down the werewolves.  It's just a prop, though -- and it's kind of pointless to have, considering you already have a machete in your pants.  Just saying.

After your horses kill all the werewolves, you'll notice Elkus brushing his fingers through Chalupa's magnificent mane and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.  You should probably do the same to Rodriguez.  Not sure why, but they always do it on the movies, and the horses like being talked to gently.  

Kindly take the silver spikes off of their heads, and feed them some more apples.  Hallelujah by and by.