Pants
Machete: The Rise of Elkus
As it is known, it has been foretold that a great and wise warrior
would be born unto the earth on the Ides of July, a score and five years before
the new millennium. This is the epic
tale of Elkus Bennerman…
Part
1: Blessings and Bully-whops
On July 15th of 1975, Maynard Bennermun’s first son, Elkus, was
born. Every birth in Toppersville, GA
called for the ‘Gathering of the Elders’.
It was such a special event, that all five families of Toppersville came
down from their tree houses to celebrate with the Bennermun family. Mayflower Bennermun, Elkus’s mother and proud
as a Huckabee-fish, presented Elkus to the Elders of yore. He was swaddled in his father’s
overalls. The Elders of the five great
families formed the secret circle around Elkus and pulled their machetes out of
their pants in one swooping flash of glory.
They gingerly touched the tips of the blades in mid-air over Elkus’s
pink head. Elkus didn’t cry as a spark
was created from the friction of the shiny metal. In fact, he smiled as the blades floated
above him. He had just received the ‘Blessing
of the Elders’.
As you might not know, young Toppersville lads only carried wooden
practice machetes until their 7th birthday. Elkus practiced with his every single
day. He would hop from tree to tree,
flying like the majestic Quantum Squirrel, and would slice pine cones and twigs
straight in two. He exceeded above all of the
other lads in machetism. This, of
course, did not give him a big head. He,
in fact, took pleasure in helping the other younglings along their path of ‘Machete
Enlightenment’. Elkus was loved and
respected by his peers, to say in the least.
On Elkus’s 5th birthday, he was taken into the closest town
to have his first hair-cut. It is
considered bad luck in Toppersville to have your hair cut before then. Elkus rode in the passenger seat of Maynard’s
65 Chevy with his head held high and his practice machete tucked away in the
safe-keeping of his pants.
After Clyde Smitherton finished sculpting a masterpiece in the
form of a rat-tail on Elkus’s head, Maynard leaned in to get a close inspection
of the work.
“Son, I’m mighty proud of you today. Your flowin’ hair is as majestic as a wavy
row of squash plants,” Maynard exclaimed.
Elkus nodded in agreement and said, “Thanks Paw. I’m gonna go practice with my ‘chete in the
alley out ther’ if that’s aight.”
Maynard smiled and nodded in approval as he took his seat in Mr.
Smitherton’s hair-cuttin’ chair. Mr. Smitherton went to work on Maynard's Tennessee Waterfall as Elkus stepped out the front door.
As Elkus swung around the corner of the building and into the
alley, he heard the voice of a young teenager boom from behind Maynard’s truck.
“Just give it to us, you little prick,” the teenager yelled.
Elkus, being the brave lad that he was, ran to his Paw’s truck and
peered around the corner. Three
teenagers had a chubby 8-year-old boy pinned against the brick wall next to the
truck. In the boy’s hands was a paper
bag.
“These are my fire-crackers, and you can’t have ‘em. Go get your own,” the boy pleaded.
“Come on, quit messing around.
Do you want us to splat your head against the wall?” the second teenager
asked.
“Yeah, give it to us fatty,” the third teen said and then smacked
the boy across the face with a back-handed slap.
Elkus had seen enough, so he jerked his wooden machete out of his
pants and tapped the tip of it on the concrete three times. All of the boys stopped and slowly turned
their heads to meet Elkus’s gaze. They
laughed so hard they couldn’t breathe and slapped their legs as if the sight of
Elkus was entertaining to them. Elkus
just gave a smug smile in return.
“What do you want, redneck?” the first teenager asked while still
laughing.
“Well… I ain’t no redneck, but I suppose I’ll answer all the same. I want you three’s to empty your pockets and
leave, and no harm will be done to you’s,” Elkus said with determination.
The three teenagers exploded into laughter again. Elkus held his gaze. He then saw a trickle of blood come from the
young boy’s mouth.
“Yep… I reckon I don’t take too kindly to you’s. Paw told me ‘bout bully-whops. And I suppose that’s what ya are. I don’t take too kindly to bully-whops,”
Elkus warned. The same teenager who
slapped the boy started making his way to Elkus with his fist clenched
tight. Elkus held his gaze. The third teenager pulled his fist back, and
prepared to throw a punch. In a flash,
the wooden machete connected with the teenager’s throat. Elkus then did a leg sweep on the teen and
shoved him over. As the other two teens
were stunned for a second, Elkus placed his boot on the teen’s face, looked
down, and said, “Ninja sweep. Recognize.”
The other two teens returned to composure and started making their
way to Elkus. Before they could even
comprehend what was happening to them, Elkus’s wooden machete gloriously danced
through the air. He landed blows on
their face, guts, and crotches so quickly, that they were on the ground in pain
before the teenagers knew what had happened to them. Elkus stomped a circle around them in
victory.
“I’s seen more fight come from a northern Wampus Cat than from you’s
bully-whops,” Elkus taunted. He then
went through their pockets and retrieved what little valuable items and money
they had and walked over to the shivering boy, who was still holding the paper
bag.
“Here you go’s, they wanted you to have this,” Elkus said as he
poured the money and items into the boy’s bag. “I’m Elkus, who’s are you?”
The boy looked up in shock and couldn’t speak at first. He looked down at the groaning teenagers, and
then back to five-year-old Elkus. Finally,
he was able to mutter, “I’m Felton.
Thank you.”
“Not a problem, Felton,” Elkus gave him a reassuring smile as he
turned to walk away.
“Elkus… wait… wait up,” Felton yelled as he ran to catch up. “You
wanna light some firecrackers?”
Elkus grinned, tucked his machete securely back into his pants,
and said, “Now that’s a right on.”
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