The Horn of Death

Unicorns. Beautiful, majestic, magical. And evil. 

Evil? No way, have you seen that velvet tapestry I have hanging on my wall? Unicorns are docile creatures.

Sigh. Wait a minute, did you say velvet tapestry? Never mind.  What is important is that we educate you on how dangerous these things really are. Let’s discuss some facts.

Hello??  They have a ten-inch horn.

(Okay, when you stop giggling, I’ll continue.) My point is, what kind of sweet, angelic creature needs a razor-sharp horn of that magnitude? What do you think they do with that thing, make shish kabobs? I’ve never seen a Unicorn at a barbeque, have you? Of course not. Because they use it to gut you with. 

Unicorns are just horses that were bitten by vampires.

Bullcrap.

Oh, I forgot you are the unicorn expert with your trashy décor. You probably didn’t know this, but Unicorns have fangs. The only difference is, when they bite you, you turn into a zombie leprechaun.

We already talked about this demon midget thing, I think I’ve got it under control.

Totally different, my friend. Zombie leprechauns don’t levitate or speak German. They are cunning tricksters who will have you backing away in fear one minute, then celebrating St. Patty’s Day and looking for 4-leafed clovers the next. The next thing you know, you’re waking up reeking of green beer with a belly full of Lucky Charms. Have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun? No? I suggest you watch it ASAP. Where do you think the inspiration for that gem came from? You guessed it. So, if you aren’t up for spending the rest of your days making pointy back shoes with buckles and searching for an elusive pot o’ gold, I’d take this threat very seriously.

There’s a reason that unicorns are associated with rainbows, and it ain’t pretty.

Rainbows. Everyone loves rainbows, right? Well, I’ve got news for you. You won’t love the acid rainbows that unicorns can shoot out of their eyes.

ACID RAINBOWS? What the crap?

Yes, acid rainbows. I’m trying to tell you, unicorns are a very serious threat. It’s all fun and games. Until someone gets their flesh burned off.

So, if unicorns are so dangerous, why is it no one ever sees them?

Oh, there’s the expertise again. You’re partially correct. Unicorns are very elusive. But, let’s think about this. Why are there so few unicorn sightings? Because rarely do people live to tell about it.

Okaaay, so they’re dangerous. How would I go about killing one, you know, just in case I go wandering around the woods?

Seriously? Okay, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. How do you kill a unicorn? You don’t.

Huh?

There are only two ways to kill a unicorn. #1- A succubus.

What the eff is that?

It’s a vampire that sucks souls instead of blood. They’re really hard to find, you know, with them being Russian and all.

But we’ll discuss more about that a little later…

#2- A virgin.

Hey, what are you trying to…

Gimme a break. You’re not fooling anybody…

And werewolves talk, by the way.