Zombies: Collect Four

Ryan, Elkus and I are starting to get bored when we hunt zombies.  What can we do to spice it up?


These things happen.  Zombies, for the most part, are very predictable.  Hence, you're going to get bored while hunting them.  Plus, the chances are good that you're not very up close and personal with these suckers so it can be a mundane task to pick them off from a sniper's position in a tree house.  Let's talk about some ways to make it more interesting.

1.  If life gives you lemons, launch them at zombies' faces.


Do huh?


Look, Elkus already has a homemade potato launcher... right?  Well, as it turns out, zombies tend to hate citrusy things.  So, instead of launching potatoes at the growling crowd of flesh-eaters, try launching some lemons, oranges, or limes at them.

You would think that you'd had sexual relations with the zombie's mother (Or father?  Depends on your sexual preference.  No judgement here.  Don't really know why you'd be having relations with a zombie's parent.  You're sick!) by looking at the face they make.  Plus, it's completely frickin' awesome to watch a lemon burst into pieces on a zombie's face.

2.  Make it into a game!


Remember playing 'Collect Four' as a kid?

Ryan, that's like asking me if I love 'Big League Chew' or if I like to watch turtle sex videos.

Of course you do... that game rocked every kid's world.  Well, think of the battle field as a big 'Collect Four' gaming device.  Whoever (between you and Elkus) can kill four zombies right in a row with four bullets wins!

What's the prize?


What are you... 7?  If you want a prize, go get a Happy Meal.  The prize in this game is:  you just killed four zombies.  Hence, saving lives.  Where's your chivalry?  Quit being a tool.

Good luck with your new twists on zombie hunting!

Stay safe and change your socks, especially if you're staying in caves a lot.  It can get damp in there and you don't want to get rot-foot.

The Horn of Death

Unicorns. Beautiful, majestic, magical. And evil. 

Evil? No way, have you seen that velvet tapestry I have hanging on my wall? Unicorns are docile creatures.

Sigh. Wait a minute, did you say velvet tapestry? Never mind.  What is important is that we educate you on how dangerous these things really are. Let’s discuss some facts.

Hello??  They have a ten-inch horn.

(Okay, when you stop giggling, I’ll continue.) My point is, what kind of sweet, angelic creature needs a razor-sharp horn of that magnitude? What do you think they do with that thing, make shish kabobs? I’ve never seen a Unicorn at a barbeque, have you? Of course not. Because they use it to gut you with. 

Unicorns are just horses that were bitten by vampires.

Bullcrap.

Oh, I forgot you are the unicorn expert with your trashy décor. You probably didn’t know this, but Unicorns have fangs. The only difference is, when they bite you, you turn into a zombie leprechaun.

We already talked about this demon midget thing, I think I’ve got it under control.

Totally different, my friend. Zombie leprechauns don’t levitate or speak German. They are cunning tricksters who will have you backing away in fear one minute, then celebrating St. Patty’s Day and looking for 4-leafed clovers the next. The next thing you know, you’re waking up reeking of green beer with a belly full of Lucky Charms. Have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun? No? I suggest you watch it ASAP. Where do you think the inspiration for that gem came from? You guessed it. So, if you aren’t up for spending the rest of your days making pointy back shoes with buckles and searching for an elusive pot o’ gold, I’d take this threat very seriously.

There’s a reason that unicorns are associated with rainbows, and it ain’t pretty.

Rainbows. Everyone loves rainbows, right? Well, I’ve got news for you. You won’t love the acid rainbows that unicorns can shoot out of their eyes.

ACID RAINBOWS? What the crap?

Yes, acid rainbows. I’m trying to tell you, unicorns are a very serious threat. It’s all fun and games. Until someone gets their flesh burned off.

So, if unicorns are so dangerous, why is it no one ever sees them?

Oh, there’s the expertise again. You’re partially correct. Unicorns are very elusive. But, let’s think about this. Why are there so few unicorn sightings? Because rarely do people live to tell about it.

Okaaay, so they’re dangerous. How would I go about killing one, you know, just in case I go wandering around the woods?

Seriously? Okay, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. How do you kill a unicorn? You don’t.

Huh?

There are only two ways to kill a unicorn. #1- A succubus.

What the eff is that?

It’s a vampire that sucks souls instead of blood. They’re really hard to find, you know, with them being Russian and all.

But we’ll discuss more about that a little later…

#2- A virgin.

Hey, what are you trying to…

Gimme a break. You’re not fooling anybody…

And werewolves talk, by the way.

Werewolves: How d'ya like dem apples?

Okay, so preteens have been disappearing in your town.  How can you know for sure that it's werewolves?  Simple, go to Wal-Mart and check the inventory on all the baby-oil products.  Looking a little low?  Werewolves.  They tend to rub it on their bodies to bring out the lines in their muscles (whilst in human form, that is -- the thought of a hairy werewolf rubbing baby-oil on is just ridiculous).  Okay, so preteens are missing and baby-oil is all but non-existent?  Time to call Elkus.

Okay -- you and Elkus need to drive in the middle of nowhere, find bum-fricked Egypt, take a left, and go deep into the woods.  That is normally the way to find the active area for werewolves.  Once you hear "Amanda" by Boston being blasted and accompanied by harmonic growls... then you are in the right spot.  

Time to double back and get some apples.

Apples?  Ryan, what the crap are you talking about?

Apples.  Yes.  Apples.  For your horses.  Horses love apples.  True story.

Horses?

Dude, could you shut up and let me finish before interrupting?  Geez.  

As we know, werewolves are frickin' fast as frick.  How were you planning on chasing these suckers down?  On foot?  Yeah -- good luck with that Lance Armstrong.

Ryan, I'm pretty sure Lance Armstrong wasn't a runner.

We are trying to talk about serious stuff here!  Quit being a douche!

Okay, so do you have your horses ready?  Elkus is going to need to name his before he goes hunting.  You should probably do the same.  Most war horses like to have Spanish names.  Rodriguez, Miguel, Chalupa, etc.  All these will do fine.  Don't feed him/her too many apples before you hunt.  As we all know, apples are a natural stool-softener.  Do I really need to give details?

Ideally, you'd really want to be hunting with a Unicorn that has a silver spike coming off of his head.  Since Unicorns haven't been around since the Biblical days, I would suggest just strapping a silver spike to Rodriguez's head.  Don't worry, he'll like it.  He always does.  Horses are known for role-playing as Unicorns.

(Side note:  Not kidding about unicorns in the Bible... don't believe me?  Google it!)

After that, your horses are going to do most of the work for you.  Just start chasing the werewolves down.  You might want to carry a hatchet (or something to that effect) to wave in the air and yell as your horse charges down the werewolves.  It's just a prop, though -- and it's kind of pointless to have, considering you already have a machete in your pants.  Just saying.

After your horses kill all the werewolves, you'll notice Elkus brushing his fingers through Chalupa's magnificent mane and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.  You should probably do the same to Rodriguez.  Not sure why, but they always do it on the movies, and the horses like being talked to gently.  

Kindly take the silver spikes off of their heads, and feed them some more apples.  Hallelujah by and by.

Bewitching A Witch

So, here you are alone and in the middle of the woods again. (You really should consider another hobby, but we’ll discuss that another time). The real issue here is that you have found yourself smack in the middle of a good ‘ol fashioned witches coven. Hopefully, since we have already had a similar discussion about werewolves, you have come prepared with weaponry of some kind. So let’s discuss. What exactly will you need to protect yourself from witches?

#1 - Water is NOT going to work- Seriously? You think witches really melt? C’mon. Splashing your Dasani on a witch is just going to piss her off. They spend a lot of time getting that green makeup just so-so. If you want to spend the next 400 years as a toad, give it a shot. But if I were going to attempt this one, I’d shake the bottle furiously…while running and screaming the other direction. Ribbit.

#2- Burning at the stake- Hey, I read the Crucible in high school, I got this. No, you do not. Let’s think about this for a minute. What exactly are you planning on fashioning a stake out of, MacGyver? Even if you can get even ONE of the witches on a stake, the rest of her fellow witches will surely have you transformed into a chicken before you can strike a match. Besides, despite hanging out in the woods alone all the time, I get the feeling you haven’t tried to start very many fires. It’s really freaking hard. And I am assuming you don’t have any lighter fluid in that canteen of yours. Did you even bring a canteen? No? Oh, I’m shocked.   

#3-A silver bullet- Okay, witches aren’t werewolves, pay attention. However, a bullet could work. On second thought, witches are big on accessorizing. (Why do you think they always wear such fancy shoes and hats?) You would probably do better if you just hand over your silver jewelry rather than making more bullets. I mean, you already lost your IPOD. And let’s face it; you are a terrible shot anyway.

#4-Using a demon midget as bait- This is probably the best idea yet, and since you seem to like hanging out in the woods with all these terrifying creatures you should have no trouble finding one. Everybody knows that witches eat little children. And in the dark, a demon midget can easily be mistaken for a bratty kid. A good idea would probably be to go ahead and gag him so that he won’t be spouting anything in German and giving himself away. You want to use the little guy to peak the witches’ interest and take the focus off of you. Now’s the time to make a midget bomb. Fill that little demon full of pea soup, spin him around EXACTLY 82 times, and then chuck him at the witches. Don’t forget to remove the gag first! Voila’! Now run like the wind.

#5-Use the werewolves to your advantage- So, I assume you have been paying attention to the previous instructions and have befriended at least one werewolf. At this point, it would be a good idea to find him. Okay, when you locate him, have him take the headphones off (no, this is not a good time to bring up the Ipod) and follow you back to the witches. You don’t have to make him put on a shirt. The witches are just as spellbound by those pecs as you are. What I am asking you to do next will be a challenge, make no mistake.

Now, we are all aware that witches aren’t exactly blessed in the beauty department. (I mean, it’s hard to overlook that rather large nose with the wart on it, am I right?) Also, another drawback is that they are crazy cat ladies. Have you ever seen one without a black cat following her around? Didn’t think so.  And all that nose twitching? Allergies. So, this is going to take some smooth talking to convince the werewolf to help you out. Maybe you promise to take him to an REO Speedwagon concert afterwards? I’ll let you decide. (Approach this delicately, though. He’s still a werewolf, and he will eat you.) Regardless, he needs to be on board with a little “bewitching”, if ya know what I mean. Once you have him sufficiently flattering the witches “Wow, what is that glorious aroma wafting from that cauldron?  Is that demon midget I smell? Yummy!” or “My, look at all these brooms! I bet you keep an exceptionally tidy castle. You’re gonna make someone a great wife one day...” you can sneak out unnoticed.

Now that you’re back at home, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Time to check on those concert tickets. And while you’re at it, go ahead and buy him the T-shirt. Maybe he will actually wear it.

Pants Machete: The Rise of Elkus (Part 1)

I've had some readers take special interest in Elkus.  Elkus is actually a real person.  True story.  I've actually been working on his biography.  Here is the first part.  I hope you enjoy!

Pants Machete:  The Rise of Elkus

As it is known, it has been foretold that a great and wise warrior would be born unto the earth on the Ides of July, a score and five years before the new millennium.  This is the epic tale of Elkus Bennerman…

Part 1:  Blessings and Bully-whops

On July 15th of 1975, Maynard Bennermun’s first son, Elkus, was born.  Every birth in Toppersville, GA called for the ‘Gathering of the Elders’.  It was such a special event, that all five families of Toppersville came down from their tree houses to celebrate with the Bennermun family.  Mayflower Bennermun, Elkus’s mother and proud as a Huckabee-fish, presented Elkus to the Elders of yore.  He was swaddled in his father’s overalls.  The Elders of the five great families formed the secret circle around Elkus and pulled their machetes out of their pants in one swooping flash of glory.  They gingerly touched the tips of the blades in mid-air over Elkus’s pink head.  Elkus didn’t cry as a spark was created from the friction of the shiny metal.  In fact, he smiled as the blades floated above him.  He had just received the ‘Blessing of the Elders’.

As you might not know, young Toppersville lads only carried wooden practice machetes until their 7^th birthday.  Elkus practiced with his every single day.  He would hop from tree to tree, flying like the majestic Quantum Squirrel, and would slice pine cones and twigs straight in two.  He exceeded above all of the other lads in machetism.  This, of course, did not give him a big head.  He, in fact, took pleasure in helping the other younglings along their path of ‘Machete Enlightenment’.  Elkus was loved and respected by his peers, to say in the least.

On Elkus’s 5^th birthday, he was taken into the closest town to have his first hair-cut.  It is considered bad luck in Toppersville to have your hair cut before then.  Elkus rode in the passenger seat of Maynard’s 65 Chevy with his head held high and his practice machete tucked away in the safe-keeping of his pants.

After Clyde Smitherton finished sculpting a masterpiece in the form of a rat-tail on Elkus’s head, Maynard leaned in to get a close inspection of the work.

“Son, I’m mighty proud of you today.  Your flowin’ hair is as majestic as a wavy row of squash plants,” Maynard exclaimed.

Elkus nodded in agreement and said, “Thanks Paw.  I’m gonna go practice with my ‘chete in the alley out ther’ if that’s aight.”

Maynard smiled and nodded in approval as he took his seat in Mr. Smitherton’s hair-cuttin’ chair.  Mr. Smitherton went to work on Maynard's Tennessee Waterfall as Elkus stepped out the front door.

As Elkus swung around the corner of the building and into the alley, he heard the voice of a young teenager boom from behind Maynard’s truck.

“Just give it to us, you little prick,” the teenager yelled.

Elkus, being the brave lad that he was, ran to his Paw’s truck and peered around the corner.  Three teenagers had a chubby 8-year-old boy pinned against the brick wall next to the truck.  In the boy’s hands was a paper bag.

“These are my fire-crackers, and you can’t have ‘em.  Go get your own,” the boy pleaded.

“Come on, quit messing around.  Do you want us to splat your head against the wall?” the second teenager asked.

“Yeah, give it to us fatty,” the third teen said and then smacked the boy across the face with a back-handed slap.

Elkus had seen enough, so he jerked his wooden machete out of his pants and tapped the tip of it on the concrete three times.  All of the boys stopped and slowly turned their heads to meet Elkus’s gaze.  They laughed so hard they couldn’t breathe and slapped their legs as if the sight of Elkus was entertaining to them.  Elkus just gave a smug smile in return.

“What do you want, redneck?” the first teenager asked while still laughing.

“Well… I ain’t no redneck, but I suppose I’ll answer all the same.  I want you three’s to empty your pockets and leave, and no harm will be done to you’s,” Elkus said with determination.

The three teenagers exploded into laughter again.  Elkus held his gaze.  He then saw a trickle of blood come from the young boy’s mouth.

“Yep… I reckon I don’t take too kindly to you’s.  Paw told me ‘bout bully-whops.  And I suppose that’s what ya are.  I don’t take too kindly to bully-whops,” Elkus warned.  The same teenager who slapped the boy started making his way to Elkus with his fist clenched tight.  Elkus held his gaze.  The third teenager pulled his fist back, and prepared to throw a punch.  In a flash, the wooden machete connected with the teenager’s throat.  Elkus then did a leg sweep on the teen and shoved him over.  As the other two teens were stunned for a second, Elkus placed his boot on the teen’s face, looked down, and said, “Ninja sweep.  Recognize.”

The other two teens returned to composure and started making their way to Elkus.  Before they could even comprehend what was happening to them, Elkus’s wooden machete gloriously danced through the air.  He landed blows on their face, guts, and crotches so quickly, that they were on the ground in pain before the teenagers knew what had happened to them.  Elkus stomped a circle around them in victory.

“I’s seen more fight come from a northern Wampus Cat than from you’s bully-whops,” Elkus taunted.  He then went through their pockets and retrieved what little valuable items and money they had and walked over to the shivering boy, who was still holding the paper bag.

“Here you go’s, they wanted you to have this,” Elkus said as he poured the money and items into the boy’s bag. “I’m Elkus, who’s are you?”

The boy looked up in shock and couldn’t speak at first.  He looked down at the groaning teenagers, and then back to five-year-old Elkus.  Finally, he was able to mutter, “I’m Felton.  Thank you.”

“Not a problem, Felton,” Elkus gave him a reassuring smile as he turned to walk away.

“Elkus… wait… wait up,” Felton yelled as he ran to catch up. “You wanna light some firecrackers?”

Elkus grinned, tucked his machete securely back into his pants, and said, “Now that’s a right on.”

Vampires: Part 2

Ryan, what is the best way to use garlic?

Okay, what are we talking about here?  Meats or sauces?  When you're using garlic powder to season meats, you generally want to just have a light dusting spread evenly on both sides.  Not too much.  Elkus won't eat it if it has too much.  Try and get a picture of snow flakes lightly breezing through a crisp morning in Grace Town, Iowa.  Got it?  Okay, now make your garlic powder do that on the meat.

If you're simmering a sauce, you want to start with a block of butter, and then --

Ryan, get your head out of your butt.  I meant with vampires.

Garlic with vampires?  Well... that is just preposterous.  Now, I've heard of some rumor that garlic can weaken vampires, but it doesn't work.  However, I know how you are.  You're going to try it either way.  So I might as well take you through a scenario.

STEP 1:
Elkus is going to need to put a trap door in the ceiling above the dining room table.  You might not understand why, but he does.  Just let him do his thing.

STEP 2:
While Elkus is doing his project, you need to season up some raw hamburgers.  Add garlic powder.  Or crush up whole cloves and place in the meat.  Either way is fine. 

STEP 3:
Cook your meat.  It will be during this time when the doorbell sounds.  I'll go ahead and tell you, it's Bocephus.  (Remember him?  Vampires:  Part 1?  Yep, you got it!  You're so smart!)  He's going to be very polite and ask if he may enter.

STEP 4:
For the record:  I would recommend that you just go ahead and pull the machete out of your pants, and send some holy wrath through his neck with your blade.  Then you and Elkus can chow on some hamburgers, and then play a round of Uno in the tree house.  (Oh yeah, Elkus loves to play Uno -- He's really good, too.  You might as well understand that he will beat you.  Every.  Time.  It's like some voodoo black Uno magic.  I can't explain it.)

Since you're not going to do that, the next thing to do is invite Bocephus in for dinner.  Bocephus will respond with a delightful acceptance.

STEP 5:
Bocephus will eat his food, all the while being polite.  During this time, Elkus will need to crawl into the ceiling rafters.  Don't worry about small details of where Elkus will enter.  He'll find a cranny... no worries. 

STEP 6:
Bocephus will go on and on about how wonderful your hamburger was.  He will point out all the strengths of your culinary abilities, and will leave out any of your shortcomings.

Elkus is taking his place above the trap door.  Keep entertaining Bocephus.

STEP 7:
Bocephus will then stand up, give a courteous bow, and try to rip your throat out for dessert.

STEP 8:
You try to pull your machete out of your pants, but you're so scared that it gets stuck.  See?  Why do you keep arguing with me about these things?  Don't worry... you'll learn.

STEP 9:
Elkus drops through the trap door, does a back flip on the way down, and then rips Bocephus's head off with his bare hands.

While this is an amazing thing to witness, wouldn't it have just been simpler to take care of business at the front door?  Now you've wasted a good hamburger.  Also, there's vampire juices and whatnot all over the place.  It's going to take a while to clean all this stuff.  Use clorox and vinegar.

STEP 10:
A)  Thank Elkus for being the awesome dude that he is.
B)  Buy Elkus a deck of Uno cards.
C)  Play Elkus in a victory round of Uno.


Hope this was helpful!  Remember: garlic with vampires is stupid.

Stay strong, bubbas!