Okay, so we've discovered that machetes are a good choice of weapon for vampires. Also, we now know of clever ways to distract werewolves. Where does that lead us? Zombies.
Ryan, I have some pretty sweet machete skills. Should I be using a machete against a zombie?
I'm glad that you asked, friend. Of course... you can use your machete against a zombie. I wouldn't recommend it, though. You're really going to want to keep your distance from zombies. Why? Because 83% of the zombie population is transformed due to blood splatter... not bites.
Let's think about this for a second. Almost every zombie movie shows a redneck (different from hillbilly, but we'll dive into that later) bashing in a skull of a zombie. If you keep bashing, blood will eventually splatter onto your face and enter into one of your orifices. This is bad. Everytime I see this happen in a movie I yell in frustration. Especially when the movie ends with the redneck taking his 15-year-old girlfriend off into a happily ever ending. Bull hockey. If the movie kept rolling, you would see that the redneck changes, and then eats the 15-year-old. FADE OUT. That's how the movie ends.
Plus, another reason why bites only cover 17% of change is because zombies don't just take one bite and then go about their merry way. They're going to eat you. It's pretty simple. Plus, they have a PSI bite force that equals to the strength of four humans (or three wombats). So once they get a chomp on you, it's not looking good.
Okay, so stay the frick away from zombies, if possible. Another good reason to stay away from zombies, is that their blood smells like rotten eggs mixed with three-day-old feces. Plus it has the consistency of pudding. Pudding that smells like rotten eggs and three-day-old feces. And even if you can avoid getting it on your face, that stuff doesn't wash out easily.
Wow, Ryan... that's pretty messed up. How do you know what three-day-old feces smells like?
Why are we crossing hairs? I've already told you that I've spent a lot of time in caves with hillbillies. Look, stuff is going to happen. You're going to smell that stuff three days later. Get used to it.
Let's get back on track. Obviously, you're going to need guns. Preferably, I like to keep a Springfield XD .45 in a thigh holster at all times. If I'm going to be in a close range fight, I like to keep a shot-gun. What gauge, you say? It doesn't matter. It's close range with a shot-gun.
Ryan, what if I run out of ammo in the middle of a fight?
Okay, pay close attention to this. Remember how I mentioned before that Elkus is going to come in handy? It's time for some teamwork.
Alright, you've just ran out of ammo. Let's take this step-by-step and see what we can do.
STEP 1:
It's time to leave a trail of dust behind you. Start running! Now!
STEP 2:
While running, pull the two-way radio off of your belt and call in some help. (Oh, did I forget to mention that you and Elkus have two-way radios?)
You're probably wondering why you can't just call Elkus on his cellular. Well, hillbillies don't have cellulars. Don't judge. There's no reception in underground caves. Can you blame him for not owning one?
STEP 3:
You're eventually going to run out of breath, but you also want to exert the zombies' strength as well. So be sure and go as far as you can.
Once you've exhausted yourself to the max, you're going to want to turn around and sing something inspirational. Use positive reinforcement. It's important. I promise.
Do whaaaa?
Like werewolves, zombies also have low self-esteem. Are you surprised? If everybody you encountered ran away screaming, how would you see yourself? We'll look a little deeper into Zombie Psychology another time. Back to business.
Personally, I like to sing "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago. You, of course, can sing other things. Pretty much any Goo Goo Dolls is good. You might ask, "Is singing Goo Goo Dolls gay?" I would answer, "No, quit being a homophobe. Goo Goo Dolls are freaking awesome!"
This will stun the zombies. They'll all stop, cock their heads to the left, and listen to your passionate voice. You've got to sell this performance to them. Pump your fists. Play some air-keyboard. Do whatever it takes.
Bands that you shouldn't use: Creed, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Black Sabbath.
STEP 4:
While you're stunning the zombies, Elkus is going to be constructing a make-shift tree house close by. (Don't worry, he's going to be real quick with his work)
STEP 5:
Elkus is going to pick off each zombie with his .30-06. Keep singing until he's gotten all of them.
STEP 6:
Now that's some effin' team work!
This is one acceptable time to give Elkus a high five. Do NOT pat him on the butt.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I would absolutely love to answer them.
No comments:
Post a Comment