Werewolves and Lycans

If you have a hunch that someone you know is a werewolf, you are not alone. Werewolves are only fifth behind zombies, vampires, rednecks, and demon midgets in being the leading killers of unsuspecting preteen girls. Here are some rules for recognizing werewolves and for saving yourself in the event that you find yourself surrounded by wolves that, in fact, do not play basketball and drive around in a   “Wolfmobile”.

How to identify a werewolf-

RULE#1

Ladies, this is important: simply being exceptionally hairy and having bad nails, does not make one a werewolf. Refrain from molding those sterling silver hoops into a bullet and shooting your unsuspecting guy friend in the chest just yet. (After all, those were a birthday gift). In fact, legend has it, that werewolves prefer to stun you into submission first by taking their shirts off to reveal their rippling muscles. (And everyone knows hairy people won’t do this).

RULE#2

Girls are werewolves too. Next time you sit next to that weird girl in math class with the incredible unibrow, take note of the red eyes, stifling odor (this is no ordinary B.O.) and the unkempt armpit and leg hair. Sure, she claims to be one of the Rainbow people, but you know better. I mean, how many people do you know who willingly live in the woods? That’s what I thought. Werewolf.

RULE#3

Wolves run in packs. However, the group of guys that stands outside the 7-11 with their shirts off? Not werewolves. Those are douche bags. Put the crucifix away.

How to avoid or escape a werewolf attack-

RULE #1

Avoid full moons. And stay out of the woods. “But, Suuummerrr….Johnny was gonna take me to this really romantic place in the middle of nowhere…” Stop right there. If you don’t mind becoming Alpo for your werewolf boyfriend, then by all means, go. But if Johnny suggests rubbing “magic” salve on your bodies and wearing an animal skin, just know he’s probably not trying to be kinky.

RULE#2

Don’t run. If you do find yourself mesmerized by a werewolf’s glistening pectoral muscles and end up in the middle of a pack of snarling werewolves, do not attempt to run! Wolves are really fricking fast.

RULE#3

If you do run, distract them. If you freak out and run anyway, (which you probably will), you are going to want to distract them. A little known fact about werewolves is that they love classic rock music. So, what you are going to want to do is open up Journey on your IPod (don’t pretend it isn’t on there, this is no time to be proud), blast “Open Arms” and throw that sucker like a grenade. (Quit whining about your IPod, you’re about to be eaten by wolves for God’s sake).

RULE#4

If all the above attempts fail, attempt to befriend the wolf. Wolves are typically loners, so this can be tricky. One important thing to remember when trying to make small talk with the wolf, try not to make eye contact. Werewolves tend to have low self-esteem and aren’t comfortable with being looked at directly.  (Also, looking them in the face is pretty scary, with all the razor sharp teeth and glowing eyes and such.) Some good conversation starters could be, “So, how’s London this time of year?”, or “Wow, the saliva dripping from your fangs is really radiant in the moonlight”. Whatever you do, DO NOT say, “My, what big teeth you have…”