Vampires: Part 1

Okay... So you and Elkus have teamed up and you're facing a den of vampires.  Here we go.

As everybody knows, vampires are very courteous creatures.  This is actually where the whole 'invitation only' myth derived.  Don't be fooled, though.  It's more of a guideline than an actual rule.
Let's go through a scenario.

1.  Your doorbell rings.
2.  You answer the door... and SURPRISE!  It's a vampire named Bocephus.
3.  Bocephus politely asks if he may enter.

Okay, there's several directions that you can head from here.  Let's see what we got.

OPTION 1:  MACHETE  (This is my personal favorite... but to each his own!)

You're a bad mofo, so without a doubt you have a machete hidden in your pants.  Whisper your prayer (we'll get to that later) and lay your smite upon him.  By laying your smite, I mean cut his head off.

But Ryan, don't vampires grow their heads back?

I don't know what fairy tell you're living in, but no... vampires most certainly do not grow their heads back.

OPTION 2:  BE COURTEOUS

Let's say that Elkus has taken your machete to his tree house to sharpen it.  It's very common.  Machetes dull very quickly.  That's okay, though.  Not only are you Van Gogh with a machete, but you are also a Ben Franklin with words.  Remember how clever you were whilst meeting Elkus?

Bocephus:  "Sir, what a delightful evening we have.  Would you be so kind as to let me join you this evening for a nice cup of tea?"

Okay, you've got to throw him off, but keep it courteous.  Do not oblige him with a cup of tea.  It won't end well.  It never does.

Your reply:  "Sir, I will have to respectfully decline your request.  It is a nice evening, though.  Did you see how the fireflies light up the night like the Fourth of July in Bucktown, Nebraska?"

Bocephus will delight himself in looking at the fireflies.  The whole time, you need to stay right inside the door.  The conversation will continue until Elkus returns with the machete.

Now, another important thing about hillbillies is that they are sneaky.  So, if you see Elkus sneaking up behind Bocephus, don't give him away.  Just keep on with your conversation.  Elkus then cuts his head off with the machete.  Problem solved.  Amen.

OPTION 3:  TUCK TAIL

Okay, let's say that the vampire is a 6 year old girl.  Her name is Lyla.  She speaks with the delicacy and knowledge of a 300 year old vampire.  This is going to creep the frick out of you.

The best thing to do is scream like a small child, slam the door, and run to bedroom to hide under the covers.  Don't be ashamed, because these things happen often.  You might as well just get it out of your system.  After Elkus sees her, screams, and joins you -- you should plan your next move.  Don't forget about your machete.

But Ryan, when I saw her I freaked out and dropped my machete in the doorway.  What do I do?

Be creative.  Is there anything flammable in the house?  Probably.  Especially if you're hanging with Elkus.  Make molotov cocktails.  If there is a second story, drop the lit cocktails on top of her.  Once she is lit, and flailing her arms around, you should recover your machete... and chop her head off.  This is a very satisfying thing to do.  My friend, a flaming vampire head at your feet is a beautiful thing.

Now, there are other ways to kill a vampire.  Also, not all vampires will wait outside your door courteously.  This is just the beginning. 

Stay strong.