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Having problems with vampires?  Zombies?  Werewolves/Lycans?  Ghosts?  Demon-possesed midgets?

Well... my friend, you have come to the right place.  There are lots of things that you need to know to efficiently carry out these tasks.

First off -- No matter what you're hunting, or where you're hunting, there's really only one super important detail that could mean your life or death.  Hillbillies.  You may be rolling your eyes, or moving your mouse cursor to the 'X' at the top of the screen, but I'm being serious.  You would be amazed at how many times my keister has been saved from the chopping block, all because of a hillbilly that I recruited as a friend.

As most people tend to know, hillbillies are famous for having secret tree houses or dark underground caves.  These are perfect spots to hide if something goes wrong in your huntings.   Also, you would be surprised at the love and care that these beloved people can show.  Once you have a hillbilly as a friend, you're on the right track.

Ryan, everybody knows that hillbillies have tree houses and caves.  But how do I find these companions?

Okay, it's fairly simple.  Here is how I do it.

Step 1:
Find a bar (preferably in the woods), and if you walk inside and feel as if you're going to get chlamydia from sitting on a bar stool, then you're headed in the right direction.

Step 2:
If possible, clean the stool off with a disinfectant wipe.  (Try and be discreet about this one, you don't want to make your soon-to-be friends upset by making them think that you're snooty.)

Step 3:
Wait for a gentleman to sit next or close to you.  Strike up a conversation.  Start simple.

E.G.
"How's it going, brother?  My name is (enter your name)."
You then hold your hand out for a proper handshake.  Don't be a douche and put your fist up for a bump.  That is a perfect way to get your face stomped in one of these places.  He's going to shake your hand, and introduce himself.
"Elkus Bennermun, nice to meetcha."

Okay, you're off to a good start.

Step 4:
Offer to buy your new acquaintance a drink.  Never offer a drink that has more than 3 syllables.  Very important.  Once the words start getting fancy, you're losing your grip on them.  If it's a common beer, shorten the words down. 

"Elkus, can I buy you a Nattie Light, my friend?"
"Nah... I'm more of a Pabst kinda guy."

Oblige him with a delicious, cold Pabst Blue Ribbon.  You're about to make the sell, so pay close attention.

Step 5:
Once you have him liquored up a bit, break into a fun conversation.  You could talk about anything that ranges from home-made potato launchers all the way to setting fire to anything other than wood.  Once you see a small sparkle in his eyes, you've hit the jackpot.  Now, drive it into the ground, baby!

Step 6:
Buy him another drink. (You should be keeping his lips wet the whole time.  He'll appreciate it, I promise.)

Step 7:
Does Elkus have any physical features that are commendable?  Don't be gay about it, but let him know his strengths.

"Elkus, my man, you have one outstanding mullet.  And is that some kind of fruit scent that I'm getting off of that?"
"Yup... Kiwi.  Barber hooked me up with some new stuff."

He'll then woft his mullet in your direction.  You're going to want to sniff it like you've never sniffed anything before.

Example of what you shouldn't say:

"Elkus, my man, you're butt is looking pretty sweet in those overalls."
Elkus will cut you, and he won't hesitate.  When they cut, they do it in a flash.  He will take his beer, and leave you bleeding at the bar. 

Step 8:
If all goes to plan, Elkus should be the next one speaking:

"Brother, you are purty cool.  You wanna go shoot some stuff in my treehouse?"
"Who wouldn't want to go shoot some stuff in a treehouse?  Of course, Elkus, I would love to."

Step 9:
Go shoot stuff from a perched position in a treehouse.  It's fun.

Step 10:
Once you've established that you're cool and have extreme marksmanship, you should then tell Elkus the truth.  Tell him you're hunting vampires, werewolves, zombies, or whatever.  You'll be surprised at how excited Elkus is going to be to help you.