Little Devils

So, friends, let’s talk about demon possession. We’ve all experienced it at some point or another. And, let’s just be honest, most every demonic possession you’ve encountered has been with a demon-possessed midget, am I right?

But Summer, why is it always a midget that is possessed by Satan, you ask? Well, three reasons. One, let’s face it; little people are much easier to levitate than your standard size host. C’mon, I know we’ve all seen the Exorcist, The Omen, and Rosemary’s Baby. I mean, let’s face the facts. Demon possession always happens to little kids and midgets. (I don’t want to mention any names, but I think somebody’s gotten a little lazy in their quest to take over the world). Seriously? Who can’t levitate a 40 pound 8 year old? I want to see some demons that can possess Bubba from the truck stop and levitate a 350 pounder 20 feet into the air. Now THAT’S entertainment.

 Two, not only are they a breeze to levitate, they are also much easier to contort. Ever tried getting your ankles around your neck and crawling around like a creepy crab?  Well, there was that one time in college…. (o-kay, well, that time doesn’t count, and you should probably just keep that to yourself). Anyway, everyone knows that it is much easier when you have stubby legs and a non-existent torso. (Again, the least you can do is put forth a little effort, Captain Howdy.)

Third, we need to examine the creepiness factor. Sure, you have your average everyday demon climbing around on the walls, hissing and spitting profanities. What could be creepier than that? (No, not the guy from your office with the greasy hair that smells like pork rinds.) But I’ll tell you what is. A demon-possessed midget. When you hear one of those little suckers start chanting, ♪ Blitzen, blitzen wenig gestirn. Wie frage ich mich, was du bist ♪, you’ll reach a level of freaked out you never thought possible. Sure, it’s only ♪“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”♪ …But it’s in German.

Touché’, demons… Touché’.

So, really, when you think about it, maybe Satan is doing the midgets a favor. Let’s face it, who needs the power of levitation more than a midget? Couldn’t reach that coffee cup on the top shelf? No longer a problem. Bookcase needed dusting? Not anymore! The only real drawback I can think of is that backwards head-spinning thing. OOOhh.. and of course, the uncontrollable craving for pea soup…..

Zombies: Positive Reinforcement Among Other Things

Okay, so we've discovered that machetes are a good choice of weapon for vampires.  Also, we now know of clever ways to distract werewolves.  Where does that lead us?  Zombies.

Ryan, I have some pretty sweet machete skills.  Should I be using a machete against a zombie?

I'm glad that you asked, friend.  Of course... you can use your machete against a zombie.  I wouldn't recommend it, though.  You're really going to want to keep your distance from zombies.  Why?  Because 83% of the zombie population is transformed due to blood splatter... not bites. 

Let's think about this for a second.  Almost every zombie movie shows a redneck (different from hillbilly, but we'll dive into that later) bashing in a skull of a zombie.  If you keep bashing, blood will eventually splatter onto your face and enter into one of your orifices.  This is bad.  Everytime I see this happen in a movie I yell in frustration.  Especially when the movie ends with the redneck taking his 15-year-old girlfriend off into a happily ever ending.  Bull hockey.  If the movie kept rolling, you would see that the redneck changes, and then eats the 15-year-old.  FADE OUT.  That's how the movie ends.

Plus, another reason why bites only cover 17% of change is because zombies don't just take one bite and then go about their merry way.  They're going to eat you.  It's pretty simple.  Plus, they have a PSI bite force that equals to the strength of four humans (or three wombats).  So once they get a chomp on you, it's not looking good.

Okay, so stay the frick away from zombies, if possible.  Another good reason to stay away from zombies, is that their blood smells like rotten eggs mixed with three-day-old feces.  Plus it has the consistency of pudding.  Pudding that smells like rotten eggs and three-day-old feces.  And even if you can avoid getting it on your face, that stuff doesn't wash out easily.

Wow, Ryan... that's pretty messed up.  How do you know what three-day-old feces smells like?

Why are we crossing hairs?  I've already told you that I've spent a lot of time in caves with hillbillies.  Look, stuff is going to happen.  You're going to smell that stuff three days later.  Get used to it.

Let's get back on track.  Obviously, you're going to need guns.  Preferably, I like to keep a Springfield XD .45 in a thigh holster at all times.  If I'm going to be in a close range fight, I like to keep a shot-gun.  What gauge, you say?  It doesn't matter.  It's close range with a shot-gun.

Ryan, what if I run out of ammo in the middle of a fight?

Okay, pay close attention to this.  Remember how I mentioned before that Elkus is going to come in handy?  It's time for some teamwork.

Alright, you've just ran out of ammo.  Let's take this step-by-step and see what we can do.

STEP 1:
It's time to leave a trail of dust behind you.  Start running!  Now!

STEP 2:
While running, pull the two-way radio off of your belt and call in some help.  (Oh, did I forget to mention that you and Elkus have two-way radios?)

You're probably wondering why you can't just call Elkus on his cellular.  Well, hillbillies don't have cellulars.  Don't judge.  There's no reception in underground caves.  Can you blame him for not owning one?

STEP 3:
You're eventually going to run out of breath, but you also want to exert the zombies' strength as well.  So be sure and go as far as you can. 

Once you've exhausted yourself to the max, you're going to want to turn around and sing something inspirational.  Use positive reinforcement.  It's important.  I promise.

Do whaaaa?

Like werewolves, zombies also have low self-esteem.  Are you surprised?  If everybody you encountered ran away screaming, how would you see yourself?  We'll look a little deeper into Zombie Psychology another time.  Back to business.

Personally, I like to sing "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago.  You, of course, can sing other things.  Pretty much any Goo Goo Dolls is good.  You might ask, "Is singing Goo Goo Dolls gay?"  I would answer, "No, quit being a homophobe.  Goo Goo Dolls are freaking awesome!" 

This will stun the zombies.  They'll all stop, cock their heads to the left, and listen to your passionate voice.  You've got to sell this performance to them.  Pump your fists.  Play some air-keyboard.  Do whatever it takes. 

Bands that you shouldn't use:  Creed, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Black Sabbath.

STEP 4:
While you're stunning the zombies, Elkus is going to be constructing a make-shift tree house close by.  (Don't worry, he's going to be real quick with his work)

STEP 5:
Elkus is going to pick off each zombie with his .30-06.  Keep singing until he's gotten all of them.

STEP 6:
Now that's some effin' team work!

This is one acceptable time to give Elkus a high five.  Do NOT pat him on the butt.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.  I would absolutely love to answer them.

Werewolves and Lycans

If you have a hunch that someone you know is a werewolf, you are not alone. Werewolves are only fifth behind zombies, vampires, rednecks, and demon midgets in being the leading killers of unsuspecting preteen girls. Here are some rules for recognizing werewolves and for saving yourself in the event that you find yourself surrounded by wolves that, in fact, do not play basketball and drive around in a   “Wolfmobile”.

How to identify a werewolf-

RULE#1

Ladies, this is important: simply being exceptionally hairy and having bad nails, does not make one a werewolf. Refrain from molding those sterling silver hoops into a bullet and shooting your unsuspecting guy friend in the chest just yet. (After all, those were a birthday gift). In fact, legend has it, that werewolves prefer to stun you into submission first by taking their shirts off to reveal their rippling muscles. (And everyone knows hairy people won’t do this).

RULE#2

Girls are werewolves too. Next time you sit next to that weird girl in math class with the incredible unibrow, take note of the red eyes, stifling odor (this is no ordinary B.O.) and the unkempt armpit and leg hair. Sure, she claims to be one of the Rainbow people, but you know better. I mean, how many people do you know who willingly live in the woods? That’s what I thought. Werewolf.

RULE#3

Wolves run in packs. However, the group of guys that stands outside the 7-11 with their shirts off? Not werewolves. Those are douche bags. Put the crucifix away.

How to avoid or escape a werewolf attack-

RULE #1

Avoid full moons. And stay out of the woods. “But, Suuummerrr….Johnny was gonna take me to this really romantic place in the middle of nowhere…” Stop right there. If you don’t mind becoming Alpo for your werewolf boyfriend, then by all means, go. But if Johnny suggests rubbing “magic” salve on your bodies and wearing an animal skin, just know he’s probably not trying to be kinky.

RULE#2

Don’t run. If you do find yourself mesmerized by a werewolf’s glistening pectoral muscles and end up in the middle of a pack of snarling werewolves, do not attempt to run! Wolves are really fricking fast.

RULE#3

If you do run, distract them. If you freak out and run anyway, (which you probably will), you are going to want to distract them. A little known fact about werewolves is that they love classic rock music. So, what you are going to want to do is open up Journey on your IPod (don’t pretend it isn’t on there, this is no time to be proud), blast “Open Arms” and throw that sucker like a grenade. (Quit whining about your IPod, you’re about to be eaten by wolves for God’s sake).

RULE#4

If all the above attempts fail, attempt to befriend the wolf. Wolves are typically loners, so this can be tricky. One important thing to remember when trying to make small talk with the wolf, try not to make eye contact. Werewolves tend to have low self-esteem and aren’t comfortable with being looked at directly.  (Also, looking them in the face is pretty scary, with all the razor sharp teeth and glowing eyes and such.) Some good conversation starters could be, “So, how’s London this time of year?”, or “Wow, the saliva dripping from your fangs is really radiant in the moonlight”. Whatever you do, DO NOT say, “My, what big teeth you have…”

 

Vampires: Part 1

Okay... So you and Elkus have teamed up and you're facing a den of vampires.  Here we go.

As everybody knows, vampires are very courteous creatures.  This is actually where the whole 'invitation only' myth derived.  Don't be fooled, though.  It's more of a guideline than an actual rule.
Let's go through a scenario.

1.  Your doorbell rings.
2.  You answer the door... and SURPRISE!  It's a vampire named Bocephus.
3.  Bocephus politely asks if he may enter.

Okay, there's several directions that you can head from here.  Let's see what we got.

OPTION 1:  MACHETE  (This is my personal favorite... but to each his own!)

You're a bad mofo, so without a doubt you have a machete hidden in your pants.  Whisper your prayer (we'll get to that later) and lay your smite upon him.  By laying your smite, I mean cut his head off.

But Ryan, don't vampires grow their heads back?

I don't know what fairy tell you're living in, but no... vampires most certainly do not grow their heads back.

OPTION 2:  BE COURTEOUS

Let's say that Elkus has taken your machete to his tree house to sharpen it.  It's very common.  Machetes dull very quickly.  That's okay, though.  Not only are you Van Gogh with a machete, but you are also a Ben Franklin with words.  Remember how clever you were whilst meeting Elkus?

Bocephus:  "Sir, what a delightful evening we have.  Would you be so kind as to let me join you this evening for a nice cup of tea?"

Okay, you've got to throw him off, but keep it courteous.  Do not oblige him with a cup of tea.  It won't end well.  It never does.

Your reply:  "Sir, I will have to respectfully decline your request.  It is a nice evening, though.  Did you see how the fireflies light up the night like the Fourth of July in Bucktown, Nebraska?"

Bocephus will delight himself in looking at the fireflies.  The whole time, you need to stay right inside the door.  The conversation will continue until Elkus returns with the machete.

Now, another important thing about hillbillies is that they are sneaky.  So, if you see Elkus sneaking up behind Bocephus, don't give him away.  Just keep on with your conversation.  Elkus then cuts his head off with the machete.  Problem solved.  Amen.

OPTION 3:  TUCK TAIL

Okay, let's say that the vampire is a 6 year old girl.  Her name is Lyla.  She speaks with the delicacy and knowledge of a 300 year old vampire.  This is going to creep the frick out of you.

The best thing to do is scream like a small child, slam the door, and run to bedroom to hide under the covers.  Don't be ashamed, because these things happen often.  You might as well just get it out of your system.  After Elkus sees her, screams, and joins you -- you should plan your next move.  Don't forget about your machete.

But Ryan, when I saw her I freaked out and dropped my machete in the doorway.  What do I do?

Be creative.  Is there anything flammable in the house?  Probably.  Especially if you're hanging with Elkus.  Make molotov cocktails.  If there is a second story, drop the lit cocktails on top of her.  Once she is lit, and flailing her arms around, you should recover your machete... and chop her head off.  This is a very satisfying thing to do.  My friend, a flaming vampire head at your feet is a beautiful thing.

Now, there are other ways to kill a vampire.  Also, not all vampires will wait outside your door courteously.  This is just the beginning. 

Stay strong.

Free Domain Name

Having problems with vampires?  Zombies?  Werewolves/Lycans?  Ghosts?  Demon-possesed midgets?

Well... my friend, you have come to the right place.  There are lots of things that you need to know to efficiently carry out these tasks.

First off -- No matter what you're hunting, or where you're hunting, there's really only one super important detail that could mean your life or death.  Hillbillies.  You may be rolling your eyes, or moving your mouse cursor to the 'X' at the top of the screen, but I'm being serious.  You would be amazed at how many times my keister has been saved from the chopping block, all because of a hillbilly that I recruited as a friend.

As most people tend to know, hillbillies are famous for having secret tree houses or dark underground caves.  These are perfect spots to hide if something goes wrong in your huntings.   Also, you would be surprised at the love and care that these beloved people can show.  Once you have a hillbilly as a friend, you're on the right track.

Ryan, everybody knows that hillbillies have tree houses and caves.  But how do I find these companions?

Okay, it's fairly simple.  Here is how I do it.

Step 1:
Find a bar (preferably in the woods), and if you walk inside and feel as if you're going to get chlamydia from sitting on a bar stool, then you're headed in the right direction.

Step 2:
If possible, clean the stool off with a disinfectant wipe.  (Try and be discreet about this one, you don't want to make your soon-to-be friends upset by making them think that you're snooty.)

Step 3:
Wait for a gentleman to sit next or close to you.  Strike up a conversation.  Start simple.

E.G.
"How's it going, brother?  My name is (enter your name)."
You then hold your hand out for a proper handshake.  Don't be a douche and put your fist up for a bump.  That is a perfect way to get your face stomped in one of these places.  He's going to shake your hand, and introduce himself.
"Elkus Bennermun, nice to meetcha."

Okay, you're off to a good start.

Step 4:
Offer to buy your new acquaintance a drink.  Never offer a drink that has more than 3 syllables.  Very important.  Once the words start getting fancy, you're losing your grip on them.  If it's a common beer, shorten the words down. 

"Elkus, can I buy you a Nattie Light, my friend?"
"Nah... I'm more of a Pabst kinda guy."

Oblige him with a delicious, cold Pabst Blue Ribbon.  You're about to make the sell, so pay close attention.

Step 5:
Once you have him liquored up a bit, break into a fun conversation.  You could talk about anything that ranges from home-made potato launchers all the way to setting fire to anything other than wood.  Once you see a small sparkle in his eyes, you've hit the jackpot.  Now, drive it into the ground, baby!

Step 6:
Buy him another drink. (You should be keeping his lips wet the whole time.  He'll appreciate it, I promise.)

Step 7:
Does Elkus have any physical features that are commendable?  Don't be gay about it, but let him know his strengths.

"Elkus, my man, you have one outstanding mullet.  And is that some kind of fruit scent that I'm getting off of that?"
"Yup... Kiwi.  Barber hooked me up with some new stuff."

He'll then woft his mullet in your direction.  You're going to want to sniff it like you've never sniffed anything before.

Example of what you shouldn't say:

"Elkus, my man, you're butt is looking pretty sweet in those overalls."
Elkus will cut you, and he won't hesitate.  When they cut, they do it in a flash.  He will take his beer, and leave you bleeding at the bar. 

Step 8:
If all goes to plan, Elkus should be the next one speaking:

"Brother, you are purty cool.  You wanna go shoot some stuff in my treehouse?"
"Who wouldn't want to go shoot some stuff in a treehouse?  Of course, Elkus, I would love to."

Step 9:
Go shoot stuff from a perched position in a treehouse.  It's fun.

Step 10:
Once you've established that you're cool and have extreme marksmanship, you should then tell Elkus the truth.  Tell him you're hunting vampires, werewolves, zombies, or whatever.  You'll be surprised at how excited Elkus is going to be to help you.