Friday, December 21, 2012

3 Necessary Rules To Live By

I don't really have a big intro for this.  I just figured that these three simple rules can and should be followed by anybody of any creed, color, or ball-size.  Here we go.


1.  Don't be the hero.

Maybe I should rephrase the title of this one.  Maybe it should be Don't fantasize about and try to fulfill the delusion of being a hero.  That title is a little longer than the original.  We'll just stick with the first one.  You see, we, as the glorious dumb creatures that we are, always fantasize about being a hero and being able to one day read an article about us, titled:

SEX NINJA WITH HUGE WANG KICKS HOUSE FIRE IN THE FACE AND SAVES TOPLESS SORORITY AND THREE PUPPIES.

I know, don't even say it.  That title is ridiculous; it's way too long to be the title of an article.  Anyway, at the end of reading said article, you of course are rewarded with a parade full of fireworks, porn stars, gold, along with a lifetime supply of Ranch dressing.  Then the President gives you the Medal of Wang Magnificence, congratulating you on your conquests and huge man-piece.  Awesome, right?

"His dong is just so... dreamy."

Wrong, and you should already know that this isn't going to happen once you're past the age of eight.  But dreamers will always dream, I guess.  I want you to really dig down deep and try to will power into all five of your remaining brain cells that are still functioning and try to recall the most incredible thing you've done lately.  Then I want you to try to picture the headline of the article that is hypothetically going to be written about that.  I'm not a psychic, but I'll see if I can take a guess:

LOCAL FRY COOK FARTS INTO HIS PLEATHER RECLINER SIX TIMES IN ONE SITTING... NO, WAIT, MAKE THAT SEVEN.

Classy. As. Balls.

Am I pretty close?  Now am I saying that you shouldn't be out doing awesome things?  By all means, NO.  That's really the whole point of this one.  You should totally be out in the world, round-housing fires, chopping vampire's heads off, dry-humping werewolves before they get the chance to hump you.  Just don't expect the world to thank you for your great and wonderful conquests, because it's not going to happen.  And when it doesn't happen you start becoming a cynical butthole because you've done all these good works and have been rewarded with frick-all.

2.  Don't blame the aliens.

Once again, this is the result of human clusterfrickery.  We tend to feel like we need to understand EVERYTHING.  The only problem is that there are some things that are just too large for our little minds to wrap around and fully comprehend.  So what do we do for the answer?  Blame the aliens, of course.
"How do toilets even work?  Some magical mystery swirl 
takes your stuff and it magically disappears into a 
black hole?  Heck, it's gotta be the aliens."

There's a lot of examples that I could dig into:  Roanoke disappearances, pyramid constructions, Lady Gaga's costume designer.  But since I'm writing this during the Mayan apocalypse, I guess we'll just go with that.

So, here we are on 12/21/12, the day that supposedly marks the end of the Mayan calendar, and thus bringing the end of the world along with it.  I don't even want to really talk about how incredibly stupid this is, considering there are 250+ predictions that have come and gone and have been found impotent.  But, I'll work with what I've got.

Lots of people all over the world at least halfway believe that today is the final day of our existence, so what are they doing?  Partying with booze, sex, and flamethrowers like there's no tomorrow... because well, that's exactly what's going down in their minds.  The only problem is that at midnight, after the biggest collective walk of shame ever takes place, everybody is going to be baffled because fire and magic space rocks aren't eating the planet alive.  "Why didn't this happen?!" he'll scream to the heavens.  "I apocalyptabanged that dude knowing that he had herpes!" she'll proclaim to random passers-by.   So now that they're disease-ridden and probably going to be hungover for a week, who are they going to blame?  Aliens.  Clearly it was the aliens, those a-holes!  How dare they somehow make the planet live longer, clearly to punish all of humanity with apocalyptic genital warts!

Leave the aliens alone, people.  I'm not even totally sure if aliens exist.  They probably do, but it's really hard to say.  Maybe these aliens are actually just fallen angels.   ??? I have no idea.  We'll discuss it later.  With that being said, even if they do exist I seriously doubt that their whole existence is just to pull off crazy stunts like saving the world from a stupid doomsday prediction just to mess with our genitals.


3.  Red Velvet Cake

It's not really a rule at all, but cream cheese icing is effin' ridiculously delicious.  I felt it deserved a spot on the list.





Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Three Wolf Moon Shirt -- Boom!


As some of you may know, I was recently given the Three-Wolf-Moon shirt as a gift.  It came just at the right time, too.  I found myself living in a gray, numb world, and it rattled my soul to its very depth.  Want to hear something surprising?  It’s not even the zombies, vampires, or unicorns that have me down… it’s the humans!  People, the dull and selfish creatures that they are, just make me sick sometimes.  You would think if I came all the way to your town, killed some zombies, kicked a demonic midget or two in the face, that you would at least offer me some peanut butter pie.  Why can’t you just hook me up with some peanut butter pie?  IT’S FREAKIN’ DELICIOUS, YOU MOUTH-BREATHIN’ BUTTMUNCHERS!

Sorry, you caught me chasing a western wampus cat on an eastbound trail (as some might say).  Back to the point:  I found myself wandering down the bitter path to pure cynicism.  But then I put on the shirt, if that’s what you want to call it.  That’s really not what it is.  Calling the Three-Wolf-Moon shirt just a shirt is like saying a nuclear bomb is a cheese cracker… or calling a tornado a crescent wrench.  It’s in a totally different category, my friend.  It is without a doubt the most powerful talisman I have ever been around.  So many powers . . .

Anyway, so I put the shirt (not a shirt) on, and immediately was overwhelmed with pure testosterone magic.  I’m not going to say that I started growing hair everywhere like a werewolf, because that didn’t happen, but I was clean-shaven before I put it on.  See what happened for yourself. 


If you stare at this picture too long, you'll be impregnated.  I'm not paying child support.  
Just a heads up.

Also, some of my chubbiness started forming its way into muscles.  My upper-back-titties turned into hard rock.  Boomshakalaka!

So, after getting the manbits-supercharge from the not-a-shirt, my depression and cynical ideas drifted away with the wind.  I was ready to hunt, brother, and so hunt I did.

I first came across a small herd of zombies.  Now like I’ve said before, I normally keep my distance from zombies.  It’s not that I’m afraid that they’re going to kill me, or bite me, I’m more scared of the disgusting rotten egg-smelling blood find its way into one of my orifices – Ick – but something about having the Three-Wolf-Moon magic within me gave me a bloodlust that only a machete-slaying can satisfy.  As I charged the herd head-on, I yanked my machete out of my Levi’s and pulled the blade back, ready to send the wrath of TWM through that sucker’s head.  But… before my blade ever reached its neck the head went flying off of the zombie’s body.  I was frozen in bewilderment for a second, but then I noticed one of the wolves glowing on my shirt, and my mind started clicking everything together in rapid-fire.  I had actually drawn the power off one of the wolves. 

Telekinesis, baby!

Without missing a beat, I used my mind to pick one of the other zombies up and used it to smash another zombie.  Then something magical happened:  the zombies actually tried to run away.  Ha!  I used my (wolf’s) power to rip a tree out of the ground and crushed them with it.  


He was really wearing a Three-Wolf-Moon shirt under his 
karate space outfit the whole time.  No surprise there.

After the annihilation of the zombies, I didn’t even waste time on going back to my car, I just started running.  I made it all the way to Desoto Caverns in less than ten minutes.  I figured, What the heck?  I might as well check for some of those nasty ol’ vamps.  Sure enough, I found a whole nest of them parked in there. 

As I approached them, I noticed one of the other wolves glowing and my heart started racing with the excitement of finding out what my new power was.  I didn’t even bother with pulling my machete out.  Screw that, I says.  I just stomped up to them and was going to yell something witty and condescending, but instead a soul-piercing howl escaped my mouth. 

It. Was. Awesome. 

The vampires were thrown off guard a little, but not much.  They started creeping towards me with their nasty grins and kind whispers of sweet nothings, and I kept on with my death march.  I started getting nervous – just ever so slightly --  when I was about three feet away and still had no idea what my power was.  One of the vampires made its move in a flash, and before I could stop him he had his fangs coming down on my forearm.  The only problem (for him, that is) was when his fangs clamped down, instead of piercing my skin, they broke off.  Turned to dust, more like it.  That’s when TWM revealed its second power to me.  My physique had transformed and my skin was solid rock.  The, now toothless, vampire stared at me with ice-cold fear in his eyes.  It didn’t take me long to realize what I needed to do.  I slammed my rock-hard fist into his face and his head flew off of his body.  Baboom!  You know the rest of the story already… I killed a bunch of vampires with my bare fists. 

After that, the night just turned into one steaming blur of wolfmoonitude.

I ripped the head off of an evil unicorn.  It didn’t kill it, because those effers are hard to kill, but it ran away like a little girl.  It didn’t want none.

I had a staring contest with a demonic midget until the demon exorcised itself (after defecating in its pants, I might add).

A cannibalistic clown checked under his bed for me.  I was actually hiding in his closet.  Sucks for him.

The only part of the night that didn’t involve killing or butt-kicking was when I came across a pack of werewolves.  I was getting ready to wolfmoonanize all of them, when I caught one of their eyes.  Their alpha.  He waved his hand to show that he didn’t want none, either.  That’s when I noticed the third wolf glowing.  It didn’t take me long to realize what the third power was.  I was carrying a branch that I had used to beat a ghost with (that’s right, I was able to physically beat a ghost with something.  No easy feat.)  The branch had changed into a huge stick of beef jerky.  I had just been thinking about how awesome a Slim Jim would be.  I was able to change stuff into other stuff. (Side note:  Yes, the Slim Jim was delicious.  Of course it was.)

Didn’t I tell you before that there are so many powers?  You never believe me. One day you’ll learn.

Anyway, I had an idea.  These werewolves seemed pleasant enough, and I know how they enjoy some good tunes. I started picking up branches and changing them into guitars, drums, the necessities for a total jam session.  The werewolves smelled what I was stepping in.  We all started playing Bohemian Rhapsody and then total magic came upon us.  The wolves on the shirt came to life and started howling the tune while we were playing.  The high parts, the low parts, all the parts.  The moon was glowing as they sang and howled the beautiful melodies and harmonies. 

After the small concert was over -- sometimes it’s the small ones that are the best ones  (That’s not what she said, by the way.) – I realized something.  The wolves looked hungry.  They looked like they were trying to nurse from my left man-breast.  More like the *teat of awesomeness.  Then I realized something else:  I had become exactly what had given me grief.  I had used, used, used, and used the Three-Wolf-Moon some more and had not given anything back.  (*Compliments of Summer Rogers Patterson)

"It’s not what Three-Wolf-Moon can do for you, it’s what you can do for Three-Wolf-Moon."

When I made it back to my house, I used my stuff-changing power to turn a rock into – yep, you guessed it – a peanut butter pie.  We sat in the yard and ate the pie as the morning sun started to peek over the horizon.  It was delicious, and they loved it. 

Okay, so now that you’ve heard the pro-side of the not-a-shirt.  Let me tell you the cons.

Remember way back at the beginning when I said that testosterone magic takes over?  Well, pheromones are released into the air once you get moving, and before you know it you’re having to beat women off with a stick.  It’s annoying when you’re trying to sneak up on a fight, and some skank is chasing you telling you that she wants you to [bleep] the [bleep] out of her [bleep] and throw some chicken wings on there with some [bleep] sauce and Ranch dressing.  That’s disgusting, right?  Jeez, woman.  I'm trying to kill some undead and you're wanting to rub your lady-bits all over me.  Quit it.

Anyway, if you can get past the raging hordes of horny women, then you definitely need to buy this shirt. (Have I made it clear that it’s not a shirt?  Not a shirt.) 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Makeshift Exorcisms and Demon Evictions

Okay, so, you are getting sick of having the demon midget around the house. Sure, your bookcases are sparkling, but cleaning pea soup off of everything is getting pretty annoying. Plus, he’s really creeping you out singing nursery rhymes in German all the time and he’s always asking to borrow money.
 So, how do you get rid of one of these little suckers? Well, it won’t be easy, but it can be done. There are a couple of options out there, so I’ll let you decide what works best for you.
I think we all know what can be done when an entity is possessed by a demon. Perform an exorcism. Is it dangerous and highly risky for the untrained? Absolutely. Could you die and/or be possessed by said demon? Sure. But if you are really sick of him stumbling into the house at 3am and waking you up with his belligerent drunken banter, then it will all be worth it.

So first things first, you are going to need to make yourself a list and grab a few things at Wal-Mart. You’re going to need some holy water (yes, Wal-Mart has it, they have everything), probably about 4 crucifixes (Although, don’t get the cheap plastic ones. Oh, and nothing pointy). What else…what else….grab 3 or 4 Bibles. You’ll definitely want to get some bungee cords and zip ties (nothing can get out of those things) and go ahead and grab some kind of gospel CD. It can’t hurt. Now, mosey on over to the costume section and find something that resembles a priest’s clothing. They’re bound to have some kind of black robe. Just get that. Maybe a white scarf or something. Bonus if you can find one with crosses on it. Okay, now you’re pretty much ready. Although, you may want to get some snacks because exorcisms can take awhile. Once you get all this stuff home, hide it in the closet. You are going to want to catch him off guard or this is never going to work.
How hard can it be? A couple Bibles and some holy water? I got this.
Tonight, when he wakes you up at 3am, wait until he passes out in his drunken stupor. Put on your priest attire. Quietly sneak into his room and use the zip ties to secure him to the bed posts. Now just use the bungee cords to hold him down on the bed. Hopefully he doesn’t wake up at this point. (Oh yeah, while he’s secured to the bed, check his pockets and get out the money he took from your wallet.) Now, just pop in the gospel CD and keep the crucifixes and holy water handy. He’ll probably be awake at this point and spewing profanities at you. Pay him no mind, it’s just the liquor (and Lucifer) talking. Now act fast and pour the holy water all over him. Also, don’t turn the music up too loud or he won’t be able to hear the Bible verses you are screaming at him. It doesn’t matter which ones, just pick some. Basically, you are going to repeat the last two steps until they work. You can stop for a snack break if need be. If the Bible verses don’t work, just maybe throw a couple of the Bibles at him.
So if that works, great, you are home free. Now just break it to him that he’ll need to find a new apartment. Tell him that you guys can still get together and play the Ouija board sometime, but that it just isn’t working out. Give him a couple bucks and send him on his way. If it doesn’t work, you’ll need to move on to plan B. Oh, and get out of the house because he is going to be really pissed.
Okay, worst case scenario, the makeshift exorcism has failed. Now what? Well, you are going to need to plan a trip to Los Angeles.
What? This is no time for a vacation, besides that, I’m not paying for his plane ticket…
Listen, do you want to get him out of your hair for good or not? He’s already gonna be furious about the failed exorcism attempt, so the guise of a vacation is just what you need in order to get him to trust you again. Oh yeah, and you are going to need to find a map to the Scientology Center.
HUH?? There is no way I’m going to that place! It’s terrifying! Besides that, TOM CRUISE might be there. Screw that.
Shut up a minute. That’s the point. Remember when we told you that Tom Cruise is also a demonic midget?
Ohhh yeah….
So just tell your midget that you are going to visit the church since you guys are already out there. Give him some excuse about being curious. Then dress him up really nice (the Scientologists like that) and when he walks inside the building, run and hide in the bushes. By the time he notices that you’re gone, Tom Cruise will have taken him under his wing. (Don’t worry, those Scientologists will take anyone).


Did somebody say, new member? Welcome, child.


As you watch from the bushes, try not to get too teary-eyed. You have done your job. Now it’s time to let the little devil go off on his own. He will never forget you. And you may want to go home and change the locks. On second thought, just go ahead and move. To another state.

  

Friday, November 16, 2012

Clowns in the Closet

I have abstained from even discussing this up until this point, because it’s almost too friggin’ creepy to talk about. But for your safety and the safety of others, I feel that I should address the rampant, underground cannibal clown problem.

So who doesn’t like clowns, eh? Colorful and funny, with their big red noses and floppy shoes. Well, I am here to tell you, everyone. No one in the world has ever liked clowns. Even Chuck Norris cries when he sees a clown. I’m not sure why clowns even seemed like a good idea at any time, but since they are here to stay let’s figure out how to spot a cannibalistic one. (Yes, as if they couldn’t be any creepier, there are cannibal clowns).
"I bet this fat guy is gonna taste like bacon."

#1- Mimes are not clowns- Okay, this is important, because the last thing anybody needs is you roundhouse-kicking some innocent street performer that is trying to make a living by climbing out of imaginary boxes. Isn’t that sad enough? Mimes are friendly little guys, so just toss a buck in the jar and move it along.

#2- Stay away from Circuses, Birthday Parties or pretty much anywhere that balloons are present- Let’s get something straight before we proceed; balloons equal clowns. Period. There is no safe area when balloons are present.
Well, I’ve been to birthday parties without clowns before.
I’ll bet you’ve seen street gutters without clowns in them too, but why don’t you ask the little kid who got his arm bitten off by a cannibal clown if he wishes he’d have taken this advice. Besides that, all balloons are just imminent explosions anyway, so why would you even risk it?
"You wanted a giraffe instead? -- Okay, well rub this 
Ranch dressing all over your skin and I'll make you one."
Also steer clear of McDonald’s. Although, really that goes without saying. Not just because the food sucks, but also I think we’ve all suspected that Ronald McDonald is a killer clown. He’s not fooling anybody.

#3- Clowns do not live under the bed- I’m not sure how this rumor even got started, but we’ve all been there. Silently trying not to pee your pants as you gather up the courage to jump 40 feet from your bed. After all, you must avoid having a clown bite through your Achilles tendon. It’s perfectly normal. But the fact is clowns are not going to hide under your bed. Why you ask? Do you know how hard it would be to hide two big red clown feet? Not gonna happen. Plus, his nose gets all squished trying to squeeze under there. No, clowns prefer your closet.  Pleasant dreams.

#4-Always check the backseat- This is vital. Have you seen how many clowns can shove themselves into a Volkswagen Beetle? The last thing you need is five cannibal clowns in your back floorboard. You’ll never know what hit you when they spray you in the face with that seltzer water. Then what? Then we find your bones in some guy’s basement. If you do have clowns in your backseat, you must squeeze their big, red noses. The honking noise will distract them long enough for you to escape. Then run! Run like the wind.

#5-Don’t fall for their magic tricks- Some clowns will attempt to mesmerize you with their ability to perform magic tricks. And actually, when I think about it, some of it is pretty awesome. But I digress. My point is that some of these magical clowns are the cannibalistic kind. Don’t get sucked in. If a clown says he’s gonna pull a quarter from your ear, that is code for “I’m about to eat your flesh off”.

Your best defense with cannibal clowns is to run. Always run. Obviously, it’s really hard to run in red floppy shoes. Aside from the fact that they aren’t going to risk sweating that makeup off. It takes a long frickin’ time to put on.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Pants Machete: The Rise of Elkus: Part 3: Wampus Cats and Such


Elkus awoke to the sound of the blaring siren of the village.  He had trained himself to be on full alert at all times, so he was up and to the gun-hole of the tree house before the first blast ended.  He peeked through the hole and waited for the second blast.  If there was a second blast, that is.  One blast meant everybody was being called to a village meeting.  He watched as the lanterns were lit in the other tree houses in a progression across the village and he waited.  Two blasts meant a call to arms, and it had been five years since he had laid down his machete.  He glanced back to his bedroll, knowing that his blade had been lying dormant, knowing that there would be a day he would have to take it up again, hoping that day wasn’t upon him.  His eyes scanned the skyline above the trees; estimated time was 4:45 a.m.  After a full minute of waiting for a blast that he was dreading, he decided that this wasn’t the day for the return to his blade.  He was thankful when he yelled, “Paw!  We’s bein’ summoned.”

“Nah, son.  Me and your ma are bein’ summoned.  Just crawl back on your roll for now.”
Elkus spun on a pin to see his father looming above him.  Elkus looked up at the man whom he respected more than anybody else in the world.  He nodded in reverence and smiled as Mayflower stepped out from behind Maynard. 

As her face lit up in return at the sight of her son, “I’ll fry us up some squirrel for breakfast, Kus.  Just as soon as the meetin’s let up.” 

Elkus nodded and could almost feel his stomach begging for his Ma’s fried squirrel.  He tried his best to muffle the agony of his hunger and started to crawl back to his bedroll when he heard the wailing.  He knew right away who was crying in agony.  The woman seemed to cry over everything, he thought.  The wailings belonged to Mrs. Jenny Biskus.  Mother to Christina Biskus, the girl that had helped save Felton’s penis five years past.  The same girl that Elkus had started getting funny feelings in his stomach when he looked at her. 

“It’s the wampus cats!  I just know it!”  Jenny Biskus yelled in between her gasping mourning. 
Elkus could hear her plain as day from his tree house and he shot a yearning glance at Maynard and Mayflower.  Maynard shook his head at Elkus before he comfortingly said, “Son, just try to close your eyes.  Promise I’ll letcha know as soon as we get back.”

Elkus knew he wasn’t going back to sleep as he watched his Ma and Paw slip down the rope from the tree house.  He knew that if wampus cats were being accused of something, it meant that somebody had been kidnapped.  Taken for food would be a better way to describe what the wampus cats would do.
Elkus paced back and forth, mind running in ten directions at once, glancing at his bedroll from time to time.  Christina had six people in her family; it could have been any of them, he thought.  He waited as long as his body could possibly wait.  His body swirled through the crisp, cool winter morning as he slid down the rope.  The sun began to peak over the horizon as he made his way to the gathering tent.

He passed a group of teenagers that were nervously pacing about thirty yards out from the tent.  He knew why they were nervous, though.  They weren’t concerned about whoever was taken; they were concerned with the notion that they might have to do something about it.  Cowards, he thought as he breezed past them.  He knew better than to stop and inquire the situation.  Since Elkus had laid his blade to rest, he had been forced into becoming a social pariah.  Felton was his only companion now.  His brother.  The brother that he had let down before, and had vowed to never do again. 

And then there’s Christina; he couldn’t really call her a friend, but it was the funny feeling in his stomach that kept him separate from her.  She was never cruel to him for putting down his blade, and it made him nervous.  She was different from the rest; he knew it, everybody knew it.  He sometimes wondered if she had the same feelings because he remembered the way she would glance at him when they were younger.  Every time, he would shake the idea almost as soon as it appeared.  As his boots moved across the cold, hard dirt and his eyes scanned the village from left to right, right to left, he earnestly hoped to have that funny feeling soon.  He wanted to know that she was unharmed.

Maybe she’s with her Ma, that cryin’ loon, he hopefully thought.  Screw it.

He lifted the tent flap and stepped through quietly, seen or heard by no one.  Elder Biskus was standing behind the large oak podium, rubbing his temples and staring at the ground.  Elkus thought that he looked like he might be fighting back tears.  Not good.

“It’s the wampus cats!” Mrs. Jenny Biskus wailed, “They’ve done run up in here and snatched up my Christy.  What are we doin’ here wastin’ time?!”  Her husband, Bobby Biskus, was holding her hands and had a cold, dark stare on his face. 

Elkus’s guts turned as soon as he heard Christina’s name.  Snatched up, her mom had just said.
Elder Biskus brought his gaze to the crowd of men of women who were seated in front of him, looking for something, for hope maybe.  Elkus was having a hard time placing the look.  It was definitely a riddled look, which made Elkus more uncomfortable.  A stone-cold cuss like Elder Biskus should never show a look of confusion or fear.

“Bobby, comfort your wife,” Elder Biskus whispered to his son.  “It’s not wampus cats, Jenny.  There’s no tracks.  Only Christina’s, and they disappear like a poot in the wind at the outer edge of Toppers Woods.  No tire tracks from there, neither.  I dunno what to think.  Dunno where to go.  Dunno who to send.  Dunno nothin’.”

He doesn’t know who to send, Elkus thought.  But Elkus knew exactly who to send, “Me!  Ya can send me, Elder Biskus.”

All the people turned at once to see who had spoken out of turn.  Elkus’ eyes met Maynard’s angry gaze in the crowd.  Elkus shook it off; he knew he might get his tail whooped for this, but he didn’t care one bit. 

“Your courage is commendable, boy, but you’re too young.  Only twelve-years-old, are ya?  Too young,” Elder Biskus said.

“You got to be kiddin’ me, you put the blade down the first day ‘twas given to ya,” exclaimed Bo Dean Jenkins, Jenny Biskus’ twenty-year-old brother.  “What are you gonna do?  Take your peckerless friend with ya and kill a buncha wampus cats with your peaceful thoughts o’ harmony and love?” 

“He ain’ peckerless, Bo Dean!  Christina’s the one that saved it.  While y’all are sittin’ around with your thumbs in yo’ booty-holes, she’s out there!”  Elkus pointed towards the outer edge of the woods. 

“Lemme go.  You done said it ain’ wampus cats.  What’s my age matter, anyways?  Time’s a wastin away, we gots to move.”

Elder Biskus shook his head towards Elkus but said, “Bo Dean, gather you up two more men and go find your neice.”

Bo Dean’s eyes grew fearful and he started to protest when Elder Biskus put his hand up to stop him.  Bo Dean angrily stuffed a big load of chaw in his mouth and stomped his way to the back of the tent.  When he passed Elkus, they both met each other with a total look of disdain.  Elkus thought maybe he should just go ahead and round-house kick him in the throat, but kept the anger at sea for the moment.  He knew he had to answer to his father already, he better not make it worse than what it already was.

Elkus stormed out and made his way to the village phone.  After dialing the numbers, he waited until someone picked up on the other end.  Felton sleepily answered, “Heh… hello?”

“She’s gone, Felton, and I’m gonna get her back.”  Elkus relayed the morning’s events over to his brother and told him to stay put.  Felton asked him to inform him of any changes.  Elkus reassured him that he would, but that was a lie.  He couldn’t let Felton get involved, he just felt obliged to call him and let him know.  After Elkus hung the phone up, he started mapping out in his head what he was going to do about the situation.  He needed to get moving fast, he thought.

Once he reached his tree house the first thing he did was check his pack.  He stuffed his canteens and a few canned food items on top of all of his supplies and then kneeled in front of his bedroll.  He slipped his hand underneath, and pulled out the bundle.  No need to check the blade now.  No time, he thought as he stuffed the whole bundle into his pants.  Elkus found himself surprised at how at home the blade felt close to his skin.  Five years gone and there was no hesitation to grab it.  He shook the thoughts away, and stood and was met by Maynard, who had undoubtedly silently watched Elkus the whole time.

“Paw, I’m sorry but…”

“I know, son.  Have you checked your pack?”

Elkus found his father’s calm reaction and acceptance at a total shock.  No time to be shocked, he thought as he nodded.

“Your ‘chete?” Maynard asked.

Elkus shook his head, “No time, Paw.  It’ll have to do as is.  I got a stone in my pack, I can sharpen her up if I stop for camp.”

Maynard nodded and stared at the ground before he said, “I guess you’re wonderin’ why I’m not whoopin’ your butt right this minute.  Wonderin’ why I ain’ stoppin’ ya,” he met Elkus’ gaze, “I know how ya feel about Ms. Christina.  Young women… they have ways to turn young men into fools, son.  Maybe not even meanin’ to.  It’s nothin’ that hasn’ happened before, and it will surely happen again.  Your Ma… she used to have this devilish little grin that would just…” he trailed off, obviously remembering his youth.

Elkus was about to speak when his father stopped him, “Bo Dean is a flippin’ moron.  But I don’t ever wanna hear that leave your mouth, son.  It’s gonna have to be you that finds her.  Five years away from your blade, and Elder Biskus trusts you more than anybody else in the village to find his granddaughter.  He just can’t spit that out in front of the village.  Ya understand why?”

Elkus did understand.  There’s always a natural order of things.  Sanctifying a twelve-year-old social pariah whose blade has lain dormant over choosing somebody else would make anybody look like a fool.

“You want the .22?”  Maynard asked before Elkus slid down the rope.  Elkus nodded and Maynard strapped the rifle around Elkus’ shoulder and stuffed a box of rounds in his pack.

“Where’s Ma?”

“She’s with Mrs. Jenny.  She don’ know about the talk I had with Elder Biskus.  I’ll tell her you said you love her.”  He patted his son’s shoulder and that was enough for goodbyes for Bennermun boys. 
Elkus twirled down the rope and made his way into the Toppers Woods.  He found Christina’s tracks at once, and sure enough, there were no paw prints in the mud next to them.  No disturbances on the vegetation, no broken twigs, no droppings, no sign that anything had taken her.  He contemplated why she might have run away as he followed her tracks, never letting them leave his sight while he was on the trail.  He found the end of the tracks, sure enough at the end of the woods.  He decided he would walk a thousand-foot circular perimeter, with the end of the tracks being in the center.  Every once in a while he would stop and lift branches, leaves, anything that he thought might be covering the tracks.

He dropped to the ground all of a sudden when he heard a small squeaking sound.  He would hear it one second, and the next it was gone.  This went on for a few minutes until all of a sudden it started getting closer, louder.  He started hearing a little clicking sound that seemed to be in harmony with the chirping squeak and at once he knew what it was.  He stood up and blew a piercing, high-pitched whistle through the air.  Felton saw him at once, riding on his bicycle.  Elkus ran to meet Felton in the middle of the field that meets the outer edge of Toppers Woods.

“I’ve been lookin’ for you forever it seems, brother,” Felton was out of breath.

“I told you to stay put.  This ain’ your concern.”

“The hell it’s not!  Christy saved my tally-whacker.  What’s the plan, Kus?”
Elkus knew he didn’t have time to bicker.  So be it, he thought; he found himself surprisingly happy that Felton came looking for him anyway.  He sent Felton back to the where the tracks ended, and they went opposite directions looking for her tracks to start again.  Half an hour later Elkus heard Felton shouting across the field.  Elkus took off at once and ran until his lungs were full of hot fire; ignoring the pain, he ran some more.  When Elkus approached, he noticed that Felton was crouched over something on the ground.  Elkus got on his knees next to Felton and picked up what he had been shouting over.  It was a green scarf.  The same green scarf that Christina wore during the winter.  Why would she have tossed the scarf down? he wondered.

“You’s did good, Felt.  This is hers,” Elkus said as he pulled out his compass and map.  From the end of the tracks to where they were, she was headed northeast.  He consulted his map and knew almost at once where she was headed.  Crichton Caverns.  A series of deep caves that were alongside a mountain at the foothills of the Appalachians.  He loaded his pack and then took the .22 off his shoulder and handed it to Felton.

“You’s might not be the best there was with a blade, but you’ll do with the .22.  It very well might be wampus cats we’s dealing with after all.  They’s been known to nest in the Crichton.”  Felton checked to make sure there was a round in the chamber, and once he was satisfied he threw the rifle over his shoulder. 

And so they started the arduous trek across the terrain towards the Crichton.  Elkus knew they wouldn’t reach it by nightfall, and although he felt unadulterated courage coursing through his body, he knew that tracking in the dark would be more than just a foolish thing to do.  He figured they would be about five miles shy of the caverns by the time they made camp.  That would have to do, he thought, and then started saying silent prayers, pleading and hoping that she was still alive.  The chances were good considering that wampus cats took fresh food in the summer, but in the winter they would take food and save it for a rainy day, so to say.  He prayed and begged silently that this was the case.

They started making camp close to sunset; Felton gathered twigs, sticks and braches for the fire and Elkus pulled a wire out of his pack.  He set a trip-wire in a circle around their camp spot, to make sure no intruders would come in without at least getting tripped up and alerting Kus and Felt of their intrusion. 

After they had chowed down their supper, Elkus pulled his sharpening stone and oil out of his pack and then pulled his machete out of his pants.  He removed the cloth from the outside of the blade and gazed upon the steel for the first time in five years.  He immediately went to work, slowly dragging the oiled stone down the blade.  Felton pulled out a Spider-Man comic book out of his backpack and started reading the issue as Elkus entered into his own little world.  Slowly stroking in a meditative state, making sure to keep it at the right angle.  Smoothly stroking his blade, his mind started to wander.  Thoughts all leading to one thing:  Christina.  The girl that gave him funny feelings in his stomach. 

A gust of wind blew north and Elkus jerked his head south suddenly.  The wind brought him back to reality and that’s when he realized that Felton had been talking, “… I just don’t understand why they haven’t made a Spider-Man movie yet.  I mean, it’s 1987.  You’d think they would’ve came up with something by now.  Peter Parker.  Man, he deserves, like… at least four movies.  What’d’ya think, Kus?  You think that maybe twenty-five years or so from now that they’ll be four Spider-Man movies?  There totally should be.  I don’t think that’s overkill at all.  Not for Peter Parker.  I just wish he could actually keep a girlfriend.  Always havin’ girl problems…. Hey, what are you lookin’ at?”

Elkus had his gaze fixed on something in the darkness.  “There’s somethin’ on our trail.  Don’ rightly know what it is.”

Felton searched the darkness with his squinting eyes, trying to see what Elkus was seeing, “I don’t see nothin’.  How do you know something’s out there?”

“I smell it,” Elkus whispered.  He didn’t know the scent.  All he knew is that it wasn’t human, and it wasn’t a wampus cat.  After a few moments, his gaze went back to his blade.  He flipped her over and started working on the other side.  Felton eventually went back to blabbering on about his favorite comic books.  After Elkus was satisfied with the edge on his blade, he and Felton laid down to rest. 

During the night, Elkus awoke to the sound of a broken twig that couldn’t be more than a few feet away from him.  He jumped up and jerked his machete out of his pants.  He stayed still and listened quietly.  The fire had dwindled away and there was no movement that he could see in the darkness.  Another twig snapped behind him and he spun on one foot and was facing the culprit.  A beast of a creature was staring at him.  Elkus stayed frozen, blade in hand, and kept his gaze on the giant beast.  He tried to draw features of the creature in his mind from the darkness, but all he could make out was that he was big and hairy.  The creature slowly took and step back and disappeared into the darkness. 

After a moment of staying frozen, Elkus turned and grabbed a flashlight out of his pack and quickly shined in the direction of the creature’s exit.  Nothing was found except for the mass void of darkness.  Elkus walked out into the woods until he came across a print on the ground.  He kneeled next to it to examine the track that was left by the creature.  The only thing that Elkus could think at the time was, Man, that sucker’s got a big foot.

Elkus made his way back to the camp and then remembered the trip-wire.  How’d that big sucker get past my trip-wire?  Must have some smarts about him.

At sunrise, Elkus gently nudged Felton with his foot.  Felton jumped awake and yelled, “No, Peter Parker.  I don’t wanna kiss you upside down.  Wait, what?”  Elkus gave Felton a puzzled look.  Felton threw his hands up in confusion and both of them decided not to dive into whatever Felton had been dreaming.  The broke down camp, loaded their packs, and started their trek again.

Elkus decided it best not to tell Felton about the beastly creature in the night.  They had enough to be worried about, much less an intelligent, big-footed beast that snuck up near soundlessly, aside from the broken twigs.

As they approached the ridge of the Crichton Caverns, Elkus stopped and dropped his pack.  Felton followed suit and dropped his backpack.  They needed to travel lightly and quickly. 

“Okay, Felt.  From here’s on out, no talkin’,” Elkus told Felton, “ There’s only two caves up here that would be big enough for them’s kitties to nest in.  Look up the ridge there.  You’s see the third hole up, there’s on the right?”  Felton nodded.  Elkus continued, “That’s the first ‘un.  The next one is two holes up from that one on the left.”  With that being said, they started climbing the narrow trail that led up the ridge to the Crichton.

As they approached the first cave, Elkus made a hand signal to Felton to tell him to shoot them in the head.  Only the head.  A .22 round wouldn’t be big enough to do much damage anywhere else.  Felton nodded.  Elkus slowly pulled his machete out of his pants, said a silent prayer, and entered the cave.  Felton followed.  They crept along the walls in the dark; the only sound was Felton’s heavy breathing.  The narrow passage started tightening down around them the further they went.  They finally reached a wall about half a mile inside the cave.  Dead end and back to the surface. 

As they reached the mouth, Elkus glanced up and saw the silhouette of the beastly, big-footed creature.  Felton saw it at the same time and took in a breath and was about to scream when Elkus covered his mouth.  The creature obviously made a note of the two and then dipped out of the cave.  Elkus ran to chase it, but once he made it out of the cave the creature was nowhere in sight.  Felton came out wheezing shortly behind him.  Elkus saw that Felton had grown ghostly white and was clearly in shock.  Elkus just put a finger to his own lips to show that they didn’t need to make any sound.  Elkus didn’t give Felton a chance to give a silent questionnaire about the beast; he turned and made his way to second cave entrance.

Before they reached the edge of the cave, the boys heard the muffled voice of a man.  Not a creature, not the cry of a wampus cat, but indiscernible words being spoken by a man.  Felton shot Elkus a puzzled look, and Elkus shrugged his shoulders.  No time to waste anyway, Elkus thought.  He moved into the cave and after Felton drew in a few short breaths for encouragement, he followed.

It didn’t take long before a group of men were in sight around a small fire.  Christina was lying in the dirt next to them, hands and feet bound and blindfolded.  Elkus froze while the men couldn’t see him and watched until he saw Christina breathe.  Ah, the glorious funny feeling crept through Elkus’ stomach.  There would never be any right words to describe that feeling, he thought. 
No time, Kus, he thought, it’s past time to get this over with.

Elkus strolled up to a rock in the path and tapped the end of his blade on the rock three times.  TINK-TINK-TINK.  The men jumped up with a surprising quickness and finally Elkus was able to get a solid look-over of the men.  They were all dressed in fine clothing, but it appeared to be from the wrong century.  That’s exactly what it was.  Tattered and worn fine linens from the late 1800’s. 

Before Elkus could speak, one of the men interjected, “Well, it appears that two young lads have decided to join our company.  Would you young men join us at our fire and share our warmth?  Bocephus, throw some water in the pot over the fire.”  One of the other men pulled a cast-iron kettle out of a trail pack and rigged it over the fire.  He filled it with water from another pot.  “We have tea or coffee, young lads.  What’s your pleasure?”  A warm smile crossed over the man’s face.

Elkus didn’t like the smile the man showed.  It was too nice, too warm.  He glanced at Christina and finally spoke, “Don’ rightly reckon I take too kindly to you’s takin’ the one that gives me the funny feelin’s.”

All of the men looked back in a total state of bewilderment.  Felton stepped forward, and up until then Elkus had forgotten he was there.  There was only one thing on his mind: to save Christina from these strange men.

“Let me translate for you guys.  My brother doesn’t like you messin’ with his Kool-Aid,” Felton said as he pulled the .22 up and aimed his sights at Bocephus.

The men’s confusion seemed to grow as Elkus spoke again, “I don’ wanna kill you’s, so let me jus’ take her back, and that will be it for now.”

Suddenly a smile grew on each of the men’s faces.  More men walked out of the darkness and joined the four that were spread around the fire.  Elkus did a quick count and found that there was now ten men.  The men started to close in around them and Elkus noticed something was off with all of their faces.  Their teeth were odd; they seemed to be growing and becoming sharper.

“Young lads, I can’t believe I’ve been so rude as to not introduce myself, “  the first man said, “I’ve been called a lot of names, but now they call me Gerome.  And now that we’re friends, you can put down the weapons and join us at our fire for a hot cup of tea, and a warm conversation.”  Gerome’s smile kept growing, and his teeth kept extending into fangs.  The ten men had formed a complete circle around the boys.

“Tell me when,” Felton whispered.

“Now.”

Felton fired a shot into Bocephus’ leg.  It didn’t phase Bocephus at all.  Like Gerome, his smile seemed to just keep growing.  Elkus had seen enough.  He thrust his machete into Gerome’s gut in one quick slice and jerked it out and waited.  Nothing.  Not even any blood poured out of the wound.  The men kept moving inwards, tightening the circle down upon them.

“Don’t worry, young gents.  The pain won’t last long,” Gerome said as he licked his lips.  Elkus looked through two of the men, saw Christina in the dirt, and felt an electric surge flow through him.  He jumped in the air and kicked two of the men backwards.  It was time to make his blade sing its song.  Elkus’ machete danced through the air, slicing and thrusting at anything that came close to him. 
Felton fired a round into a man’s head, waited for him to fall, and then shot another one.  The first man he had shot stood right back up, the smile had disappeared, though.  Pure anger had taken over the man’s body.  He started stomping towards Felton and then all of a sudden his head flew off of his body.  Felton was bewildered.  Elkus was behind him fighting two of them at once.  The headless body that Felton was staring at stood by itself for a moment and then fell limp to the dirt.  The beastly, big-footed creature stepped into the dim light, holding two swords made from flint.  He handed one to Felton, who was still in total shock.  The creature’s face looked like it might be a hybrid mixture of a gorilla and a man. 

“Cut heads,” the creature growled.  Felton was still frozen in fear.

Elkus never missed a beat.  The next time his blade went through the air, it removed Gerome’s head from his body.  Felton finally shook back to life and started swinging wildly.  All three fought back to back until only one man, or whatever this was, was alive.  Elkus did a leg sweep and knocked the man on his back and thrust his blade through the man’s stomach to pin him to the ground.

Elkus dropped his face to the man’s and furiously asked, “What are you’s?”

The man smiled and said, “We are many, young lad.  A breed that is driven to feed off the syrup of life.  An ancient breed that is resilient to all forms of society.  We have a never-ending drive to drink humanity dry.”  With that, the man smiled that warm, inviting smile that Elkus was already growing to hate, and flashed his fangs.  In one smooth movement, Elkus removed his machete from the man’s body, and then relieved the man of the weight of his head.

“Vampires?  Like, vampires for real?”  Felton had almost forgotten about the beastly creature that had saved them and he jumped when he growled.

“Yar, must cut heads.  Only way,” and with that, the creature slipped off into the shadows of the walls and was gone.

Felton was in total shock, threw his hands up, and yelled, “WHAT IN THE HOLY FECES PIE IS GOING ON?!  Did we just kill a bunch of vampires?  And what the crap was that thing?” he pointed towards the direction the creature had disappeared.

Elkus shook his head and made his way to Christina, “Dunno.  He sure had some big feet, though.  Think I’s just gonna call him Bigfoot.”

He cut the ropes that had Christina bound and removed her blindfold.  She was asleep, and after several failed attempts to wake her, Elkus just threw her over his shoulders and started heading towards the mouth of the cave. 

“C’mon, Felt.  Let’s go while the gettin’s good,” Elkus didn’t want to take a chance if there were more vampires deeper in the cave.

When they reached the edge of the woods where Felton had left his bike, Christina started to moan, so Elkus gently laid her down on a bed of pine straw.  Felton squeaked his bike up next to them and then winked at Elkus before he said, “I’m gonna ride ahead and let them know y’all are comin’.”  He started the pull away on his bike and then hit the pedal brakes and turned to face Elkus, “What are we gonna tell them, Kus?  They won’ believe that there were vampires.”

“Wampus cats,” Christina mumbled.  Elkus jerked towards her.  To hear her voice, her sweet, sweet voice.  The funny feelings started to creep through his stomach, and he gladly welcomed them.
“Tell them ‘twas wampus cats,” she whispered.  Elkus and Felton nodded.  As Felton rode away, Elkus’ and Christina’s gaze couldn’t be separated.  “You came for me.”

Elkus nodded and said, “You lost your scarf.”  He pulled it out of his pack and wrapped it around her neck.

She smiled and asked, “Will you help me up?  I’m sure Ma’s cried six rivers by now.”
Elkus laughed as he pulled her up off the ground, “Yeah, she’s already cried three’s of ‘em before we left.”

A group of men met them about half way down the trail headed into the village.  Bo Dean was at the tail-end of the group with his head hung down in shame.  Obviously his search had been unfruitful.  Elkus couldn’t help but smile; this was his moment, and it wouldn’t last long.

After Mayflower had equally scorned and hugged Elkus, they joined the rest of the village for a celebration.  All was merry and right in the village, and throughout the night, Elkus and Christina would catch each other’s glimpses from distances apart.  A ghost of a smile would form on Christina’s face at the sight of Elkus, and Elkus would feel warm all over.

Early the next morning, Elkus awoke to the sound of somebody climbing up their tree house ladder.  He jumped up and opened the latch to welcome them.  It was Christina, and her eyes were filled with tears.  She explained that her mother had said she would never be able to sleep in this village again, overwhelmed with fear that the wampus cats would return to take her or one of her brothers or sisters.  They were leaving that very moment to a hillbilly community in Canada.  Everyone knows that the northern wampus cats are too cowardly to attempt a kidnapping.  Elkus never said a word.  He just listened along and felt his heart breaking the whole time.  She placed the green scarf into Elkus’ hands, kissed him on the cheek, and then twirled down the rope.  Elkus’ grip tightened around the scarf and he felt his father’s hands fall on his shoulders.

“I know what you’re thinkin’ right now, son, “Maynard soothingly said to his son.  “You’re thinkin’ that no good deed goes unpunished.  You might be right, but you can ne’er stop fightin’ the good fight, son.”
Elkus’ grip loosened on the scarf.  He dug his face into it and drew in the scent through his nostrils.  Sweet, sweet Christina Biskus.  She had saved his friend’s johnson, had been taken hostage by a nest of vampires, and now was leaving the village as a product of her mother’s fear.  His father was right, though.  He knew he would have to keep fighting the good fight.  Elkus was young, but he was starting to taste bitterness for the first time.  He realized that without fighting the good fight, it would be real easy to lose one’s self to the darkness of the world. 

So he would fight, if for nothing else… then for Christina Biskus.  

Sunday, September 23, 2012

4 Celebrities That I'm Certain Aren't Human

I know that I'm not the only person that has watched TV with a total look of what-the-frickery, wondering the whole time if these people that are supposed to be entertaining us are actually human.  Some of them aren't... they just can't be.  Just can't.

The real questions we need to be asking ourselves are 'who is what?' and 'what in the holy feces can we do about it?'.

As for the latter, there's no way that I can tell you to sharpen your blade and go cut some celebrity effers, but surely I can address the former and at least shine the light on a few well-known folks who have been fooling us into thinking that they're actually, like, real people and stuff.

1.  John Stamos

The Full House dude?  Oh yeah.  The Full House dude is totally a vampire.

I'm not even going to pretend to lie and say that I have viable evidence proving that Uncle Jesse runs around in the dark and drinks blood from the Olsen twins and what have you, but according to his "birth certificate" he is 49.

"Stay still so I can stare through your soul.  Stop moving.  Quit it!"

49?  That's a joke, right?  All I'm saying is that if he can fool us into thinking he's 49 (when he's clearly not) is that in reality he's probably 323, and he likes to rip people's throats out for brunch.  Seems feasible to me, and I'm clearly a professional at this stuff.

2.  Sam Elliot

You will never know how devastatingly crushed I was when I found out that Sam Elliot was a member of a nonhuman species.  I love Sam Elliot, and I'm also pretty sure that he invented the mustache.  Now I've come to realize that he didn't really invent the mustache, he's just a werewolf instead.

 "Where's my Journey album, you a-holes?  Grr..."

Ryan, if you're just basing this totally off of his hair, then you're wrong, buddy.  Clearly he's not hairy all over.

Get your head out of your keister, douche.  --  Keister douche, that doesn't sound appetizing at all.  

Anyway, back to answering your question.  Obviously he has somebody on staff that shaves his whole body; after shaving his shoulders and biceps it was time for a smoke break.  Think before you ask stupid questions like that.  Jeez! 

Plus, do I even need to mention the fact that he is the best growler ever?  Coincidence?  Can't be.  The lesson to be learned here is to never stare Sam Elliot in the eyes... unless you want him to eat your face and dry-hump your bloody carcass to the tune of some Boston.  Let's face it, with that mustache he's not going to give up any opportunity for some dry-humpage.  

3.  Helena Bonham Carter

She's a zombie. 

That is all.

"Braaaiiiiinnnss"

4.  Tom Cruise

This might not be a total shocker to most of you.  We've all had our suspicions wondering if Tom Cruise was a homosexual alien or not.  It's been a debate for years among all of the professional and amateur alike.  

Our greatest fears have been met, though, to actually find out that he is a demonic midget.  Holy poo-in-my-pants!

"Yeah, you just thought I was good at pretending to 
like women on-screen and stuff.  Jokes on you, schlub!"

Ryan, if he were possessed by a demon, wouldn't he be in the Church of Satan and not an avid member with those crazy Scientology taint crusties?  

All I can say is that whatever demon is possessing Tom has probably read The Art of War.  You know, that book written by that Chinese dude a long time ago that's about diversion tactics and stuff.  What a better place to hide than directly in the light, preaching about Xenu bringing people to earth 75 fricktillion years ago, when really he's just thinking about new ways to crawl on the ceiling and creepy stuff he can say in German.  Seems reasonable to me.  

It's like when you get the creepy feeling laying in bed, and you're quite certain that a cannibalistic clown is under your bed, so you slowly move to your defensive position and look under the bed.  Of course there's not a clown under the bed; that's just crazy.  But as soon as you lay down your head, Tom Cruise crawls out of the lampshade and starts vomiting pureed asparagus in your direction.  See?  Diversion, baby.  He knows what he's doing, that creepy SOB.

Also, we can't look over the fact that he's three feet tall and made us all believe that he's a normal-sized human.  What a tricky b-hole!  Well, we're not falling for that crap anymore, Tom.  No more!  

Friday, August 17, 2012

Party Like A Werewolf

So, to show your appreciation to your friend the werewolf (and to keep from being eaten alive), you have managed to score third-row seats to a Foreigner concert. (Unbelievably, REO Speedwagon was sold out….who knew?) Now you need to consider how you will handle this ever-so-delicate situation. You certainly can’t just bust up into a crowded concert with a werewolf, obviously. So let’s talk about what you need to do to prepare and how you can both enjoy a festive night of classic rock and booze without things getting too hairy (No pun intended).

1)      Give the werewolf your gift- Locate the werewolf that assisted you in escaping the witches. He’ll be the one with the headphones. You may want to learn his name too. Go ahead and ask. If you’re going to be spending a lot of time together you need to know. It’s Jethro. He’s adopted this moniker as a tribute to his all time favorite band, Jethro Tull. When you give him the tickets and the concert T-shirt, he’s going to be extremely excited. DO NOT let him hug you. It will be tricky to avoid this, but werewolves are walls of pure muscle. He will squeeze you to death, and that, my friend, is no pleasant way to die. Once he has the tickets and shirt, NOW may be a good time to discuss your IPod. Although, I’d probably just ask if I could borrow it sometime.

2)      If all else fails, tickle him- Okay, let’s be honest. More than likely, you will forget what I am telling you, so once he has you in his rippling biceps the best way to escape is to use your free finger to tickle him in the ribs. Believe it or not, werewolves are extremely ticklish. And, he’ll just think you are being playful so maybe he will let you live. Maybe. Werewolves have a pretty good sense of humor.

3)      He’s gonna want to go out before the concert- The thing about Jethro is, he’s a pretty big party animal, literally. He likes to booze it up, so be prepared, because he will want to go out before the concert starts. The best way to approach this is to remind him how expensive souvenirs are and tell him you want to save your money for a sweet “Cold as Ice” T-shirt. He will understand. Then suggest that you grab a sixer and head to your place. Go ahead and buy three boxes of Crest Whitestrips and some hedge trimmers. You’ll need them later. While you’re at home, you will need to smooth talk him into the grooming process.

4)      Grooming Process? – Yes. What are you going to do, let him go with you in public covered in hair, razor sharp claws and teeth gleaming in the moonlight? I’ve got a feeling you two won’t make it past security. You’re going to have to deal with accomplice to murder charges when the werewolf eats the security guard…it just won’t be a pleasant situation. Nobody wants any of that. So, here’s what needs to happen. You need to let the werewolf have the majority of the booze. You’re going to want to be sober for this anyway, in case the situation was to get out of hand. Now, once he’s got a little bit of a buzz you can discuss getting out the clippers. Just use the excuse that the ladies like a smooth canvas and he’ll be all over it. Also explain that his new Speedwagon shirt is going to fit much better once he has a hairless chest. This is going to take some time, so I’d advise getting an early start.


"What do you mean I have excessive hair?  
Wait, did you say Foreigner?  I effin' LOVE Foreigner!
Where's the booze?"

5)      Grooming, Continued- I told you this would be a process. So, now that Jethro is somewhat normal-looking, time to focus on those teeth and nails. Again, use the ladies as the excuse. Here’s where the Whitestrips and hedge trimmers will come in. Trim up his claws and go the full three rounds on the Whitestrips. You can’t be too careful.

6)      Keep a low profile- Once you make it to the concert venue, Jethro will certainly want to peruse the beer and souvenir stands. You want to try and deter this if you can. He will most certainly want excessive amounts of 8 dollar beer and another T-shirt, and Werewolves don’t have jobs. Who do you think is going to pay for all that stuff? Don’t be a sucker. But if you can’t get keep him away, just buy whatever he wants. Again, you don’t want to be eaten alive.

7)      DO NOT let him crowd surf- Oh, trust me, he’s going to want to. But keep in mind, not only is he a ferocious werewolf; he’s also 8 feet tall and 600 pounds of muscle. Try to keep him focused on the righteous guitar solos. This will also keep his attention off the women flashers. You know how he likes to go shirtless and if he sees this it will only be a matter of time before his pectorals will be shining. The main thing to remember is rule #6. KEEP A LOW PROFILE.

8)      He’s going to insist on getting an autograph- No, no and NO. You MUST get out of this however you need to. First of all, you do not have VIP tickets, so whatever you do to try and meet the band will most likely be illegal (refer back to rule #6). Secondly, there is the possibility of him squeezing a band member to death. Or eating one. Do you really want to be the reason for Foreigner’s demise? I didn’t think so. No one wants that on their soul. The best suggestion I have is telling him that you heard a rumor that there is going to be a craaazzzzy after party at this hot Succubae’s  house and that you guys need to check it out. Assure him that with his new sleek appearance and the way that T-shirt is hugging his biceps, the ladies won’t be able to resist him. Trust me, he’ll be game. Once you drive by your imaginary friends house and no one is there, tell him you must have the wrong address. You can drive around a little longer and then yawn and tell him you might call it a night. (If you are lucky, he’s about to pass out from the booze anyway, if not he’ll be tired of riding around). This is a win-win.

Remember these rules and you should have an excellent time at the concert without receiving any significant prison time. Next time, though, I’d probably just buy him a subscription to ITunes. Face it, if you want the werewolf to remain your accomplice, (and you do), you aren’t getting your IPod back.

Part 2: The Willie Situation




After the incident at the barber shop, Elkus and Felton grew close in their acquaintance, so far as to surpass a normal friendship.  They quickly became brothers of the non-relational type.  Felton, as it turned out, was from Rising Fawn, GA, which as we all know is just down the road a bit from Toppersville, which the Bennermun family called home. 

Not much could keep the brothers separated from each other, especially during the summer in which Felton’s schools were out, and Elkus’ master elder was taking his routine tour of the other tree house communities that were spread across the southeast.  In the summer of ’82, all was as it should be in the world, until Elkus’ 7th birthday, and the course of his childhood was changed due to a grave tragedy that his friend and brother, Felton, fell victim to.

All the children of the community had left their tree houses and joined Elkus in the celebration of his 7th birthday, because as we all know this is when the boys of Toppersville are awarded with their first machete.  It is a most special occasion, in which no child can deny to attend.  The children were amidst a game of ‘Hide and Go Cornhole’ (not as risqué as it might sound) when Maynard and Mayflower Bennermun called attention to all the children.  All watched with awe as Elder Biskus presented Elkus with a cloth-wrapped object.  Elkus pulled back the cloth and a smile lit up his face as he inspected the freshly sharpened machete that was glistening in the summer sun.  If only he knew the sadness that would soon follow, his smile would have disappeared without a trace.

After all the children had finished inspecting the awe inspiring piece of work that Elkus had received for his birthday, it was time for the gathering to conclude.  Felton has previously been granted permission to spend the night with the Bennermuns, so as soon as the rest of the children had vanished, Felton leaned in with a sly smile and whispered, “C’mon, Elkus.  I don’t really think we have a choice in the matter.  Let’s go split some pinecones with your new blade.”

Elkus smiled and gave a single nod.  Oh, the excitement that was flowing through his veins as he sliced and sliced and sliced.  The machete and arm were as one, just as he was taught in his studies of ‘Machete Enlightenment’ from his master elder. 

Felton watched and cheered, and every time the blade found its target he would yell, “DADOOSH!”

Finally, Elkus lightly flipped the blade around, catching it by its blade-end, and gently handed the handle to Felton.  Felton immediately went to work, slashing the blade about in ways that would make the master elder cringe, but Elkus enjoyed watching his friend have fun.  He really didn’t care that Felton wasn’t enlightened in the way of the blade, he just simply enjoyed his company. 

Elkus heard a movement in the woods behind him and instantly turned and found himself in a crouched defensive position.  He watched silently and motionlessly into the woods as his friend continued his clumsy blade thrashes behind him.  He soon saw the origin of the sound, just a simple fawn. 

“Prolly just tryin’ to find your ma, aren’t ya?”  He said to his friend of nature.  Elkus gave the creature a curt nod and turned back to face Felton.

Felton slowly turned to face Elkus, and Elkus’ eyes went wide and he felt as he was in slow-motion as he raised his hands and began to yell, “Nooooooo….”

Felton had put the machete in his pants, and had his hand on the blade, but Elkus knew that Felton had no pants sheath in his pants.  A grave mistake to be made, indeed.  Felton, pretending to be a master machete-wielder, jerked the blade out and quickly followed his motion with a high-pitched scream.  The scream ended abruptly as Felton fainted and plopped on the ground with his unconsciousness.  Elkus ran and slid in next to his friend, his brother, and with no hesitation removed his pants to find the horror that awaited him.

Elkus called all of his strength from within, and threw Felton over his shoulders and ran as far as he could back to the Bennermun tree house.  He soon grew weary, though, and had to lay his friend down in a bed of straw.

“Stay with us, brother.  I’ll getcha help.  Stay strong, stay with us,” he whispered into Felton’s ear before he took off with lightning speed.  He yelled at the top of his lungs as he ran, ignoring the feeling of burning coals filling his lungs as he ran out of air. 

“HIS WILLIE!  HE CUT HIS WILLIE!  HELP!  WILLLLIIIIIEEEEE!!!!” he screamed as he ran through the woods.  He was soon met by a girl that he had just seen not an hour before. 

Pretty Christina Biskus, granddaughter to Elder Biskus, who had previously presented the blade that had just sliced through his friend’s penis.  Elkus was just barely able to explain to her what had happened through his short bursts of words, which were repeatedly broken by his body trying to suck in air.  Stupid lungs, I gots more important things to do than breathe, he thought. 

Luckily for them all, as the boys were taught the tricks and magic of machete-use, the girls of Toppersville were taught to be craftily clever in make-shift medicinal matters.  When they returned and found Felton where he had been left, they soon realized that he had returned to consciousness.  “Elkus, did I cut my tally-whacker off?  Oh, God… please tell me I didn’t cut my ding-a-ling off.”

Elkus grabbed his brother’s hand as Christina quickly made a bandage out of one of Felton’s socks and some duct tape.  She stopped the bleeding and although it was just barely attached, his friend’s penis was still, nonetheless, attached. 

After Elkus had managed to get Felton back to the Bennermun tree house, Christina and Mayflower took Felton in, and Elkus and Maynard waited outside underneath the tree house together.  Elkus was fidgety in his pacing back and forth from tree to tree.  Maynard did his best to sooth his son’s pain, often offering sayings of comfort as, “Son, I’m sure your friend’s johnson is going to be just fine.  Ma’s probably one of the best in the state at securin’ nearly detached peckers.  And young Miss Biskus seems to be helpin’ just fine.”

Nothing that his father could say to him could ease the pain or the guilt.  The guilt is what was driving him to the point of losing his sanity.  It was his blade, and his own foolishness for ignoring his friend’s use of a deadly weapon.  He should have paid closer attention, he thought.  He had made up his mind, he was to put his blade down to rest, and never pick it up again.  He would pursue a life of peace, and do whatever in his means to make it up to his friend for this great penile misfortune. 

As he paced back and forth, praying for his friend’s crotch, Christina gracefully slid down the rope to face Elkus.

She caught her breath, gazed deep into Elkus’ eyes, and said, “We saved your friend’s nether-piece.  He’s gonna be fine.  He don’t need to touch it or play with it for a few months, but it should be fine.”  Elkus threw his arms around Christina and thanked her over and over for the kindness she had shown.  He, of course, didn’t feel her heart fluttering as he showed his appreciation.  Elkus, although wise for his age of 7, took no notice of such attention from others.  The only thing he cared for at that moment was his brother’s trouser snake.  He left Maynard and Christina and practically flew up the ladder that was nailed to the tree to see to his friend.

After Felton reassured Elkus that his willie was going to be fine, Elkus took his machete, cleaned the penis blood from the blade, wrapped it in its original cloth cover, and secured it under his mattress.  He would begin his walk to find other enlightenments, never to take the way of the blade again… or so he thought.