So, to show your appreciation to your friend the werewolf (and to keep from being eaten alive), you have managed to score third-row seats to a Foreigner concert. (Unbelievably, REO Speedwagon was sold out….who knew?) Now you need to consider how you will handle this ever-so-delicate situation. You certainly can’t just bust up into a crowded concert with a werewolf, obviously. So let’s talk about what you need to do to prepare and how you can both enjoy a festive night of classic rock and booze without things getting too hairy (No pun intended).
1) Give the werewolf your gift- Locate the werewolf that assisted you in escaping the witches. He’ll be the one with the headphones. You may want to learn his name too. Go ahead and ask. If you’re going to be spending a lot of time together you need to know. It’s Jethro. He’s adopted this moniker as a tribute to his all time favorite band, Jethro Tull. When you give him the tickets and the concert T-shirt, he’s going to be extremely excited. DO NOT let him hug you. It will be tricky to avoid this, but werewolves are walls of pure muscle. He will squeeze you to death, and that, my friend, is no pleasant way to die. Once he has the tickets and shirt, NOW may be a good time to discuss your IPod. Although, I’d probably just ask if I could borrow it sometime.
2) If all else fails, tickle him- Okay, let’s be honest. More than likely, you will forget what I am telling you, so once he has you in his rippling biceps the best way to escape is to use your free finger to tickle him in the ribs. Believe it or not, werewolves are extremely ticklish. And, he’ll just think you are being playful so maybe he will let you live. Maybe. Werewolves have a pretty good sense of humor.
3) He’s gonna want to go out before the concert- The thing about Jethro is, he’s a pretty big party animal, literally. He likes to booze it up, so be prepared, because he will want to go out before the concert starts. The best way to approach this is to remind him how expensive souvenirs are and tell him you want to save your money for a sweet “Cold as Ice” T-shirt. He will understand. Then suggest that you grab a sixer and head to your place. Go ahead and buy three boxes of Crest Whitestrips and some hedge trimmers. You’ll need them later. While you’re at home, you will need to smooth talk him into the grooming process.
4) Grooming Process? – Yes. What are you going to do, let him go with you in public covered in hair, razor sharp claws and teeth gleaming in the moonlight? I’ve got a feeling you two won’t make it past security. You’re going to have to deal with accomplice to murder charges when the werewolf eats the security guard…it just won’t be a pleasant situation. Nobody wants any of that. So, here’s what needs to happen. You need to let the werewolf have the majority of the booze. You’re going to want to be sober for this anyway, in case the situation was to get out of hand. Now, once he’s got a little bit of a buzz you can discuss getting out the clippers. Just use the excuse that the ladies like a smooth canvas and he’ll be all over it. Also explain that his new Speedwagon shirt is going to fit much better once he has a hairless chest. This is going to take some time, so I’d advise getting an early start.
"What do you mean I have excessive hair?
Wait, did you say Foreigner? I effin' LOVE Foreigner!
Where's the booze?"
5) Grooming, Continued- I told you this would be a process. So, now that Jethro is somewhat normal-looking, time to focus on those teeth and nails. Again, use the ladies as the excuse. Here’s where the Whitestrips and hedge trimmers will come in. Trim up his claws and go the full three rounds on the Whitestrips. You can’t be too careful.
6) Keep a low profile- Once you make it to the concert venue, Jethro will certainly want to peruse the beer and souvenir stands. You want to try and deter this if you can. He will most certainly want excessive amounts of 8 dollar beer and another T-shirt, and Werewolves don’t have jobs. Who do you think is going to pay for all that stuff? Don’t be a sucker. But if you can’t get keep him away, just buy whatever he wants. Again, you don’t want to be eaten alive.
7) DO NOT let him crowd surf- Oh, trust me, he’s going to want to. But keep in mind, not only is he a ferocious werewolf; he’s also 8 feet tall and 600 pounds of muscle. Try to keep him focused on the righteous guitar solos. This will also keep his attention off the women flashers. You know how he likes to go shirtless and if he sees this it will only be a matter of time before his pectorals will be shining. The main thing to remember is rule #6. KEEP A LOW PROFILE.
8) He’s going to insist on getting an autograph- No, no and NO. You MUST get out of this however you need to. First of all, you do not have VIP tickets, so whatever you do to try and meet the band will most likely be illegal (refer back to rule #6). Secondly, there is the possibility of him squeezing a band member to death. Or eating one. Do you really want to be the reason for Foreigner’s demise? I didn’t think so. No one wants that on their soul. The best suggestion I have is telling him that you heard a rumor that there is going to be a craaazzzzy after party at this hot Succubae’s house and that you guys need to check it out. Assure him that with his new sleek appearance and the way that T-shirt is hugging his biceps, the ladies won’t be able to resist him. Trust me, he’ll be game. Once you drive by your imaginary friends house and no one is there, tell him you must have the wrong address. You can drive around a little longer and then yawn and tell him you might call it a night. (If you are lucky, he’s about to pass out from the booze anyway, if not he’ll be tired of riding around). This is a win-win.
No comments:
Post a Comment