Clowns in the Closet

I have abstained from even discussing this up until this point, because it’s almost too friggin’ creepy to talk about. But for your safety and the safety of others, I feel that I should address the rampant, underground cannibal clown problem.

So who doesn’t like clowns, eh? Colorful and funny, with their big red noses and floppy shoes. Well, I am here to tell you, everyone. No one in the world has ever liked clowns. Even Chuck Norris cries when he sees a clown. I’m not sure why clowns even seemed like a good idea at any time, but since they are here to stay let’s figure out how to spot a cannibalistic one. (Yes, as if they couldn’t be any creepier, there are cannibal clowns).

"I bet this fat guy is gonna taste like bacon."

#1- Mimes are not clowns- Okay, this is important, because the last thing anybody needs is you roundhouse-kicking some innocent street performer that is trying to make a living by climbing out of imaginary boxes. Isn’t that sad enough? Mimes are friendly little guys, so just toss a buck in the jar and move it along.

#2- Stay away from Circuses, Birthday Parties or pretty much anywhere that balloons are present- Let’s get something straight before we proceed; balloons equal clowns. Period. There is no safe area when balloons are present.

Well, I’ve been to birthday parties without clowns before.

I’ll bet you’ve seen street gutters without clowns in them too, but why don’t you ask the little kid who got his arm bitten off by a cannibal clown if he wishes he’d have taken this advice. Besides that, all balloons are just imminent explosions anyway, so why would you even risk it?

"You wanted a giraffe instead? -- Okay, well rub this 

Ranch dressing all over your skin and I'll make you one."

Also steer clear of McDonald’s. Although, really that goes without saying. Not just because the food sucks, but also I think we’ve all suspected that Ronald McDonald is a killer clown. He’s not fooling anybody.

#3- Clowns do not live under the bed- I’m not sure how this rumor even got started, but we’ve all been there. Silently trying not to pee your pants as you gather up the courage to jump 40 feet from your bed. After all, you must avoid having a clown bite through your Achilles tendon. It’s perfectly normal. But the fact is clowns are not going to hide under your bed. Why you ask? Do you know how hard it would be to hide two big red clown feet? Not gonna happen. Plus, his nose gets all squished trying to squeeze under there. No, clowns prefer your closet.  Pleasant dreams.

#4-Always check the backseat- This is vital. Have you seen how many clowns can shove themselves into a Volkswagen Beetle? The last thing you need is five cannibal clowns in your back floorboard. You’ll never know what hit you when they spray you in the face with that seltzer water. Then what? Then we find your bones in some guy’s basement. If you do have clowns in your backseat, you must squeeze their big, red noses. The honking noise will distract them long enough for you to escape. Then run! Run like the wind.

#5-Don’t fall for their magic tricks- Some clowns will attempt to mesmerize you with their ability to perform magic tricks. And actually, when I think about it, some of it is pretty awesome. But I digress. My point is that some of these magical clowns are the cannibalistic kind. Don’t get sucked in. If a clown says he’s gonna pull a quarter from your ear, that is code for “I’m about to eat your flesh off”.

Your best defense with cannibal clowns is to run. Always run. Obviously, it’s really hard to run in red floppy shoes. Aside from the fact that they aren’t going to risk sweating that makeup off. It takes a long frickin’ time to put on.