Makeshift Exorcisms and Demon Evictions

Okay, so, you are getting sick of having the demon midget around the house. Sure, your bookcases are sparkling, but cleaning pea soup off of everything is getting pretty annoying. Plus, he’s really creeping you out singing nursery rhymes in German all the time and he’s always asking to borrow money.

 So, how do you get rid of one of these little suckers? Well, it won’t be easy, but it can be done. There are a couple of options out there, so I’ll let you decide what works best for you.

I think we all know what can be done when an entity is possessed by a demon. Perform an exorcism. Is it dangerous and highly risky for the untrained? Absolutely. Could you die and/or be possessed by said demon? Sure. But if you are really sick of him stumbling into the house at 3am and waking you up with his belligerent drunken banter, then it will all be worth it.



So first things first, you are going to need to make yourself a list and grab a few things at Wal-Mart. You’re going to need some holy water (yes, Wal-Mart has it, they have everything), probably about 4 crucifixes (Although, don’t get the cheap plastic ones. Oh, and nothing pointy). What else…what else….grab 3 or 4 Bibles. You’ll definitely want to get some bungee cords and zip ties (nothing can get out of those things) and go ahead and grab some kind of gospel CD. It can’t hurt. Now, mosey on over to the costume section and find something that resembles a priest’s clothing. They’re bound to have some kind of black robe. Just get that. Maybe a white scarf or something. Bonus if you can find one with crosses on it. Okay, now you’re pretty much ready. Although, you may want to get some snacks because exorcisms can take awhile. Once you get all this stuff home, hide it in the closet. You are going to want to catch him off guard or this is never going to work.

How hard can it be? A couple Bibles and some holy water? I got this.

Tonight, when he wakes you up at 3am, wait until he passes out in his drunken stupor. Put on your priest attire. Quietly sneak into his room and use the zip ties to secure him to the bed posts. Now just use the bungee cords to hold him down on the bed. Hopefully he doesn’t wake up at this point. (Oh yeah, while he’s secured to the bed, check his pockets and get out the money he took from your wallet.) Now, just pop in the gospel CD and keep the crucifixes and holy water handy. He’ll probably be awake at this point and spewing profanities at you. Pay him no mind, it’s just the liquor (and Lucifer) talking. Now act fast and pour the holy water all over him. Also, don’t turn the music up too loud or he won’t be able to hear the Bible verses you are screaming at him. It doesn’t matter which ones, just pick some. Basically, you are going to repeat the last two steps until they work. You can stop for a snack break if need be. If the Bible verses don’t work, just maybe throw a couple of the Bibles at him.

So if that works, great, you are home free. Now just break it to him that he’ll need to find a new apartment. Tell him that you guys can still get together and play the Ouija board sometime, but that it just isn’t working out. Give him a couple bucks and send him on his way. If it doesn’t work, you’ll need to move on to plan B. Oh, and get out of the house because he is going to be really pissed.

Okay, worst case scenario, the makeshift exorcism has failed. Now what? Well, you are going to need to plan a trip to Los Angeles.

What? This is no time for a vacation, besides that, I’m not paying for his plane ticket…

Listen, do you want to get him out of your hair for good or not? He’s already gonna be furious about the failed exorcism attempt, so the guise of a vacation is just what you need in order to get him to trust you again. Oh yeah, and you are going to need to find a map to the Scientology Center.

HUH?? There is no way I’m going to that place! It’s terrifying! Besides that, TOM CRUISE might be there. Screw that.

Shut up a minute. That’s the point. Remember when we told you that Tom Cruise is also a demonic midget?

Ohhh yeah….

So just tell your midget that you are going to visit the church since you guys are already out there. Give him some excuse about being curious. Then dress him up really nice (the Scientologists like that) and when he walks inside the building, run and hide in the bushes. By the time he notices that you’re gone, Tom Cruise will have taken him under his wing. (Don’t worry, those Scientologists will take anyone).





Did somebody say, new member? Welcome, child.

As you watch from the bushes, try not to get too teary-eyed. You have done your job. Now it’s time to let the little devil go off on his own. He will never forget you. And you may want to go home and change the locks. On second thought, just go ahead and move. To another state.