3 Necessary Rules To Live By

I don't really have a big intro for this.  I just figured that these three simple rules can and should be followed by anybody of any creed, color, or ball-size.  Here we go.


1.  Don't be the hero.

Maybe I should rephrase the title of this one.  Maybe it should be Don't fantasize about and try to fulfill the delusion of being a hero.  That title is a little longer than the original.  We'll just stick with the first one.  You see, we, as the glorious dumb creatures that we are, always fantasize about being a hero and being able to one day read an article about us, titled:

SEX NINJA WITH HUGE WANG KICKS HOUSE FIRE IN THE FACE AND SAVES TOPLESS SORORITY AND THREE PUPPIES.

I know, don't even say it.  That title is ridiculous; it's way too long to be the title of an article.  Anyway, at the end of reading said article, you of course are rewarded with a parade full of fireworks, porn stars, gold, along with a lifetime supply of Ranch dressing.  Then the President gives you the Medal of Wang Magnificence, congratulating you on your conquests and huge man-piece.  Awesome, right?

"His dong is just so... dreamy."

Wrong, and you should already know that this isn't going to happen once you're past the age of eight.  But dreamers will always dream, I guess.  I want you to really dig down deep and try to will power into all five of your remaining brain cells that are still functioning and try to recall the most incredible thing you've done lately.  Then I want you to try to picture the headline of the article that is hypothetically going to be written about that.  I'm not a psychic, but I'll see if I can take a guess:

LOCAL FRY COOK FARTS INTO HIS PLEATHER RECLINER SIX TIMES IN ONE SITTING... NO, WAIT, MAKE THAT SEVEN.

Classy. As. Balls.

Am I pretty close?  Now am I saying that you shouldn't be out doing awesome things?  By all means, NO.  That's really the whole point of this one.  You should totally be out in the world, round-housing fires, chopping vampire's heads off, dry-humping werewolves before they get the chance to hump you.  Just don't expect the world to thank you for your great and wonderful conquests, because it's not going to happen.  And when it doesn't happen you start becoming a cynical butthole because you've done all these good works and have been rewarded with frick-all.

2.  Don't blame the aliens.

Once again, this is the result of human clusterfrickery.  We tend to feel like we need to understand EVERYTHING.  The only problem is that there are some things that are just too large for our little minds to wrap around and fully comprehend.  So what do we do for the answer?  Blame the aliens, of course.

"How do toilets even work?  Some magical mystery swirl 

takes your stuff and it magically disappears into a 

black hole?  Heck, it's gotta be the aliens."

There's a lot of examples that I could dig into:  Roanoke disappearances, pyramid constructions, Lady Gaga's costume designer.  But since I'm writing this during the Mayan apocalypse, I guess we'll just go with that.

So, here we are on 12/21/12, the day that supposedly marks the end of the Mayan calendar, and thus bringing the end of the world along with it.  I don't even want to really talk about how incredibly stupid this is, considering there are 250+ predictions that have come and gone and have been found impotent.  But, I'll work with what I've got.

Lots of people all over the world at least halfway believe that today is the final day of our existence, so what are they doing?  Partying with booze, sex, and flamethrowers like there's no tomorrow... because well, that's exactly what's going down in their minds.  The only problem is that at midnight, after the biggest collective walk of shame ever takes place, everybody is going to be baffled because fire and magic space rocks aren't eating the planet alive.  "Why didn't this happen?!" he'll scream to the heavens.  "I apocalyptabanged that dude knowing that he had herpes!" she'll proclaim to random passers-by.   So now that they're disease-ridden and probably going to be hungover for a week, who are they going to blame?  Aliens.  Clearly it was the aliens, those a-holes!  How dare they somehow make the planet live longer, clearly to punish all of humanity with apocalyptic genital warts!

Leave the aliens alone, people.  I'm not even totally sure if aliens exist.  They probably do, but it's really hard to say.  Maybe these aliens are actually just fallen angels.   ??? I have no idea.  We'll discuss it later.  With that being said, even if they do exist I seriously doubt that their whole existence is just to pull off crazy stunts like saving the world from a stupid doomsday prediction just to mess with our genitals.


3.  Red Velvet Cake

It's not really a rule at all, but cream cheese icing is effin' ridiculously delicious.  I felt it deserved a spot on the list.