Monday, November 19, 2012

Makeshift Exorcisms and Demon Evictions

Okay, so, you are getting sick of having the demon midget around the house. Sure, your bookcases are sparkling, but cleaning pea soup off of everything is getting pretty annoying. Plus, he’s really creeping you out singing nursery rhymes in German all the time and he’s always asking to borrow money.
 So, how do you get rid of one of these little suckers? Well, it won’t be easy, but it can be done. There are a couple of options out there, so I’ll let you decide what works best for you.
I think we all know what can be done when an entity is possessed by a demon. Perform an exorcism. Is it dangerous and highly risky for the untrained? Absolutely. Could you die and/or be possessed by said demon? Sure. But if you are really sick of him stumbling into the house at 3am and waking you up with his belligerent drunken banter, then it will all be worth it.

So first things first, you are going to need to make yourself a list and grab a few things at Wal-Mart. You’re going to need some holy water (yes, Wal-Mart has it, they have everything), probably about 4 crucifixes (Although, don’t get the cheap plastic ones. Oh, and nothing pointy). What else…what else….grab 3 or 4 Bibles. You’ll definitely want to get some bungee cords and zip ties (nothing can get out of those things) and go ahead and grab some kind of gospel CD. It can’t hurt. Now, mosey on over to the costume section and find something that resembles a priest’s clothing. They’re bound to have some kind of black robe. Just get that. Maybe a white scarf or something. Bonus if you can find one with crosses on it. Okay, now you’re pretty much ready. Although, you may want to get some snacks because exorcisms can take awhile. Once you get all this stuff home, hide it in the closet. You are going to want to catch him off guard or this is never going to work.
How hard can it be? A couple Bibles and some holy water? I got this.
Tonight, when he wakes you up at 3am, wait until he passes out in his drunken stupor. Put on your priest attire. Quietly sneak into his room and use the zip ties to secure him to the bed posts. Now just use the bungee cords to hold him down on the bed. Hopefully he doesn’t wake up at this point. (Oh yeah, while he’s secured to the bed, check his pockets and get out the money he took from your wallet.) Now, just pop in the gospel CD and keep the crucifixes and holy water handy. He’ll probably be awake at this point and spewing profanities at you. Pay him no mind, it’s just the liquor (and Lucifer) talking. Now act fast and pour the holy water all over him. Also, don’t turn the music up too loud or he won’t be able to hear the Bible verses you are screaming at him. It doesn’t matter which ones, just pick some. Basically, you are going to repeat the last two steps until they work. You can stop for a snack break if need be. If the Bible verses don’t work, just maybe throw a couple of the Bibles at him.
So if that works, great, you are home free. Now just break it to him that he’ll need to find a new apartment. Tell him that you guys can still get together and play the Ouija board sometime, but that it just isn’t working out. Give him a couple bucks and send him on his way. If it doesn’t work, you’ll need to move on to plan B. Oh, and get out of the house because he is going to be really pissed.
Okay, worst case scenario, the makeshift exorcism has failed. Now what? Well, you are going to need to plan a trip to Los Angeles.
What? This is no time for a vacation, besides that, I’m not paying for his plane ticket…
Listen, do you want to get him out of your hair for good or not? He’s already gonna be furious about the failed exorcism attempt, so the guise of a vacation is just what you need in order to get him to trust you again. Oh yeah, and you are going to need to find a map to the Scientology Center.
HUH?? There is no way I’m going to that place! It’s terrifying! Besides that, TOM CRUISE might be there. Screw that.
Shut up a minute. That’s the point. Remember when we told you that Tom Cruise is also a demonic midget?
Ohhh yeah….
So just tell your midget that you are going to visit the church since you guys are already out there. Give him some excuse about being curious. Then dress him up really nice (the Scientologists like that) and when he walks inside the building, run and hide in the bushes. By the time he notices that you’re gone, Tom Cruise will have taken him under his wing. (Don’t worry, those Scientologists will take anyone).


Did somebody say, new member? Welcome, child.


As you watch from the bushes, try not to get too teary-eyed. You have done your job. Now it’s time to let the little devil go off on his own. He will never forget you. And you may want to go home and change the locks. On second thought, just go ahead and move. To another state.

  

Friday, November 16, 2012

Clowns in the Closet

I have abstained from even discussing this up until this point, because it’s almost too friggin’ creepy to talk about. But for your safety and the safety of others, I feel that I should address the rampant, underground cannibal clown problem.

So who doesn’t like clowns, eh? Colorful and funny, with their big red noses and floppy shoes. Well, I am here to tell you, everyone. No one in the world has ever liked clowns. Even Chuck Norris cries when he sees a clown. I’m not sure why clowns even seemed like a good idea at any time, but since they are here to stay let’s figure out how to spot a cannibalistic one. (Yes, as if they couldn’t be any creepier, there are cannibal clowns).
"I bet this fat guy is gonna taste like bacon."

#1- Mimes are not clowns- Okay, this is important, because the last thing anybody needs is you roundhouse-kicking some innocent street performer that is trying to make a living by climbing out of imaginary boxes. Isn’t that sad enough? Mimes are friendly little guys, so just toss a buck in the jar and move it along.

#2- Stay away from Circuses, Birthday Parties or pretty much anywhere that balloons are present- Let’s get something straight before we proceed; balloons equal clowns. Period. There is no safe area when balloons are present.
Well, I’ve been to birthday parties without clowns before.
I’ll bet you’ve seen street gutters without clowns in them too, but why don’t you ask the little kid who got his arm bitten off by a cannibal clown if he wishes he’d have taken this advice. Besides that, all balloons are just imminent explosions anyway, so why would you even risk it?
"You wanted a giraffe instead? -- Okay, well rub this 
Ranch dressing all over your skin and I'll make you one."
Also steer clear of McDonald’s. Although, really that goes without saying. Not just because the food sucks, but also I think we’ve all suspected that Ronald McDonald is a killer clown. He’s not fooling anybody.

#3- Clowns do not live under the bed- I’m not sure how this rumor even got started, but we’ve all been there. Silently trying not to pee your pants as you gather up the courage to jump 40 feet from your bed. After all, you must avoid having a clown bite through your Achilles tendon. It’s perfectly normal. But the fact is clowns are not going to hide under your bed. Why you ask? Do you know how hard it would be to hide two big red clown feet? Not gonna happen. Plus, his nose gets all squished trying to squeeze under there. No, clowns prefer your closet.  Pleasant dreams.

#4-Always check the backseat- This is vital. Have you seen how many clowns can shove themselves into a Volkswagen Beetle? The last thing you need is five cannibal clowns in your back floorboard. You’ll never know what hit you when they spray you in the face with that seltzer water. Then what? Then we find your bones in some guy’s basement. If you do have clowns in your backseat, you must squeeze their big, red noses. The honking noise will distract them long enough for you to escape. Then run! Run like the wind.

#5-Don’t fall for their magic tricks- Some clowns will attempt to mesmerize you with their ability to perform magic tricks. And actually, when I think about it, some of it is pretty awesome. But I digress. My point is that some of these magical clowns are the cannibalistic kind. Don’t get sucked in. If a clown says he’s gonna pull a quarter from your ear, that is code for “I’m about to eat your flesh off”.

Your best defense with cannibal clowns is to run. Always run. Obviously, it’s really hard to run in red floppy shoes. Aside from the fact that they aren’t going to risk sweating that makeup off. It takes a long frickin’ time to put on.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Pants Machete: The Rise of Elkus: Part 3: Wampus Cats and Such


Elkus awoke to the sound of the blaring siren of the village.  He had trained himself to be on full alert at all times, so he was up and to the gun-hole of the tree house before the first blast ended.  He peeked through the hole and waited for the second blast.  If there was a second blast, that is.  One blast meant everybody was being called to a village meeting.  He watched as the lanterns were lit in the other tree houses in a progression across the village and he waited.  Two blasts meant a call to arms, and it had been five years since he had laid down his machete.  He glanced back to his bedroll, knowing that his blade had been lying dormant, knowing that there would be a day he would have to take it up again, hoping that day wasn’t upon him.  His eyes scanned the skyline above the trees; estimated time was 4:45 a.m.  After a full minute of waiting for a blast that he was dreading, he decided that this wasn’t the day for the return to his blade.  He was thankful when he yelled, “Paw!  We’s bein’ summoned.”

“Nah, son.  Me and your ma are bein’ summoned.  Just crawl back on your roll for now.”
Elkus spun on a pin to see his father looming above him.  Elkus looked up at the man whom he respected more than anybody else in the world.  He nodded in reverence and smiled as Mayflower stepped out from behind Maynard. 

As her face lit up in return at the sight of her son, “I’ll fry us up some squirrel for breakfast, Kus.  Just as soon as the meetin’s let up.” 

Elkus nodded and could almost feel his stomach begging for his Ma’s fried squirrel.  He tried his best to muffle the agony of his hunger and started to crawl back to his bedroll when he heard the wailing.  He knew right away who was crying in agony.  The woman seemed to cry over everything, he thought.  The wailings belonged to Mrs. Jenny Biskus.  Mother to Christina Biskus, the girl that had helped save Felton’s penis five years past.  The same girl that Elkus had started getting funny feelings in his stomach when he looked at her. 

“It’s the wampus cats!  I just know it!”  Jenny Biskus yelled in between her gasping mourning. 
Elkus could hear her plain as day from his tree house and he shot a yearning glance at Maynard and Mayflower.  Maynard shook his head at Elkus before he comfortingly said, “Son, just try to close your eyes.  Promise I’ll letcha know as soon as we get back.”

Elkus knew he wasn’t going back to sleep as he watched his Ma and Paw slip down the rope from the tree house.  He knew that if wampus cats were being accused of something, it meant that somebody had been kidnapped.  Taken for food would be a better way to describe what the wampus cats would do.
Elkus paced back and forth, mind running in ten directions at once, glancing at his bedroll from time to time.  Christina had six people in her family; it could have been any of them, he thought.  He waited as long as his body could possibly wait.  His body swirled through the crisp, cool winter morning as he slid down the rope.  The sun began to peak over the horizon as he made his way to the gathering tent.

He passed a group of teenagers that were nervously pacing about thirty yards out from the tent.  He knew why they were nervous, though.  They weren’t concerned about whoever was taken; they were concerned with the notion that they might have to do something about it.  Cowards, he thought as he breezed past them.  He knew better than to stop and inquire the situation.  Since Elkus had laid his blade to rest, he had been forced into becoming a social pariah.  Felton was his only companion now.  His brother.  The brother that he had let down before, and had vowed to never do again. 

And then there’s Christina; he couldn’t really call her a friend, but it was the funny feeling in his stomach that kept him separate from her.  She was never cruel to him for putting down his blade, and it made him nervous.  She was different from the rest; he knew it, everybody knew it.  He sometimes wondered if she had the same feelings because he remembered the way she would glance at him when they were younger.  Every time, he would shake the idea almost as soon as it appeared.  As his boots moved across the cold, hard dirt and his eyes scanned the village from left to right, right to left, he earnestly hoped to have that funny feeling soon.  He wanted to know that she was unharmed.

Maybe she’s with her Ma, that cryin’ loon, he hopefully thought.  Screw it.

He lifted the tent flap and stepped through quietly, seen or heard by no one.  Elder Biskus was standing behind the large oak podium, rubbing his temples and staring at the ground.  Elkus thought that he looked like he might be fighting back tears.  Not good.

“It’s the wampus cats!” Mrs. Jenny Biskus wailed, “They’ve done run up in here and snatched up my Christy.  What are we doin’ here wastin’ time?!”  Her husband, Bobby Biskus, was holding her hands and had a cold, dark stare on his face. 

Elkus’s guts turned as soon as he heard Christina’s name.  Snatched up, her mom had just said.
Elder Biskus brought his gaze to the crowd of men of women who were seated in front of him, looking for something, for hope maybe.  Elkus was having a hard time placing the look.  It was definitely a riddled look, which made Elkus more uncomfortable.  A stone-cold cuss like Elder Biskus should never show a look of confusion or fear.

“Bobby, comfort your wife,” Elder Biskus whispered to his son.  “It’s not wampus cats, Jenny.  There’s no tracks.  Only Christina’s, and they disappear like a poot in the wind at the outer edge of Toppers Woods.  No tire tracks from there, neither.  I dunno what to think.  Dunno where to go.  Dunno who to send.  Dunno nothin’.”

He doesn’t know who to send, Elkus thought.  But Elkus knew exactly who to send, “Me!  Ya can send me, Elder Biskus.”

All the people turned at once to see who had spoken out of turn.  Elkus’ eyes met Maynard’s angry gaze in the crowd.  Elkus shook it off; he knew he might get his tail whooped for this, but he didn’t care one bit. 

“Your courage is commendable, boy, but you’re too young.  Only twelve-years-old, are ya?  Too young,” Elder Biskus said.

“You got to be kiddin’ me, you put the blade down the first day ‘twas given to ya,” exclaimed Bo Dean Jenkins, Jenny Biskus’ twenty-year-old brother.  “What are you gonna do?  Take your peckerless friend with ya and kill a buncha wampus cats with your peaceful thoughts o’ harmony and love?” 

“He ain’ peckerless, Bo Dean!  Christina’s the one that saved it.  While y’all are sittin’ around with your thumbs in yo’ booty-holes, she’s out there!”  Elkus pointed towards the outer edge of the woods. 

“Lemme go.  You done said it ain’ wampus cats.  What’s my age matter, anyways?  Time’s a wastin away, we gots to move.”

Elder Biskus shook his head towards Elkus but said, “Bo Dean, gather you up two more men and go find your neice.”

Bo Dean’s eyes grew fearful and he started to protest when Elder Biskus put his hand up to stop him.  Bo Dean angrily stuffed a big load of chaw in his mouth and stomped his way to the back of the tent.  When he passed Elkus, they both met each other with a total look of disdain.  Elkus thought maybe he should just go ahead and round-house kick him in the throat, but kept the anger at sea for the moment.  He knew he had to answer to his father already, he better not make it worse than what it already was.

Elkus stormed out and made his way to the village phone.  After dialing the numbers, he waited until someone picked up on the other end.  Felton sleepily answered, “Heh… hello?”

“She’s gone, Felton, and I’m gonna get her back.”  Elkus relayed the morning’s events over to his brother and told him to stay put.  Felton asked him to inform him of any changes.  Elkus reassured him that he would, but that was a lie.  He couldn’t let Felton get involved, he just felt obliged to call him and let him know.  After Elkus hung the phone up, he started mapping out in his head what he was going to do about the situation.  He needed to get moving fast, he thought.

Once he reached his tree house the first thing he did was check his pack.  He stuffed his canteens and a few canned food items on top of all of his supplies and then kneeled in front of his bedroll.  He slipped his hand underneath, and pulled out the bundle.  No need to check the blade now.  No time, he thought as he stuffed the whole bundle into his pants.  Elkus found himself surprised at how at home the blade felt close to his skin.  Five years gone and there was no hesitation to grab it.  He shook the thoughts away, and stood and was met by Maynard, who had undoubtedly silently watched Elkus the whole time.

“Paw, I’m sorry but…”

“I know, son.  Have you checked your pack?”

Elkus found his father’s calm reaction and acceptance at a total shock.  No time to be shocked, he thought as he nodded.

“Your ‘chete?” Maynard asked.

Elkus shook his head, “No time, Paw.  It’ll have to do as is.  I got a stone in my pack, I can sharpen her up if I stop for camp.”

Maynard nodded and stared at the ground before he said, “I guess you’re wonderin’ why I’m not whoopin’ your butt right this minute.  Wonderin’ why I ain’ stoppin’ ya,” he met Elkus’ gaze, “I know how ya feel about Ms. Christina.  Young women… they have ways to turn young men into fools, son.  Maybe not even meanin’ to.  It’s nothin’ that hasn’ happened before, and it will surely happen again.  Your Ma… she used to have this devilish little grin that would just…” he trailed off, obviously remembering his youth.

Elkus was about to speak when his father stopped him, “Bo Dean is a flippin’ moron.  But I don’t ever wanna hear that leave your mouth, son.  It’s gonna have to be you that finds her.  Five years away from your blade, and Elder Biskus trusts you more than anybody else in the village to find his granddaughter.  He just can’t spit that out in front of the village.  Ya understand why?”

Elkus did understand.  There’s always a natural order of things.  Sanctifying a twelve-year-old social pariah whose blade has lain dormant over choosing somebody else would make anybody look like a fool.

“You want the .22?”  Maynard asked before Elkus slid down the rope.  Elkus nodded and Maynard strapped the rifle around Elkus’ shoulder and stuffed a box of rounds in his pack.

“Where’s Ma?”

“She’s with Mrs. Jenny.  She don’ know about the talk I had with Elder Biskus.  I’ll tell her you said you love her.”  He patted his son’s shoulder and that was enough for goodbyes for Bennermun boys. 
Elkus twirled down the rope and made his way into the Toppers Woods.  He found Christina’s tracks at once, and sure enough, there were no paw prints in the mud next to them.  No disturbances on the vegetation, no broken twigs, no droppings, no sign that anything had taken her.  He contemplated why she might have run away as he followed her tracks, never letting them leave his sight while he was on the trail.  He found the end of the tracks, sure enough at the end of the woods.  He decided he would walk a thousand-foot circular perimeter, with the end of the tracks being in the center.  Every once in a while he would stop and lift branches, leaves, anything that he thought might be covering the tracks.

He dropped to the ground all of a sudden when he heard a small squeaking sound.  He would hear it one second, and the next it was gone.  This went on for a few minutes until all of a sudden it started getting closer, louder.  He started hearing a little clicking sound that seemed to be in harmony with the chirping squeak and at once he knew what it was.  He stood up and blew a piercing, high-pitched whistle through the air.  Felton saw him at once, riding on his bicycle.  Elkus ran to meet Felton in the middle of the field that meets the outer edge of Toppers Woods.

“I’ve been lookin’ for you forever it seems, brother,” Felton was out of breath.

“I told you to stay put.  This ain’ your concern.”

“The hell it’s not!  Christy saved my tally-whacker.  What’s the plan, Kus?”
Elkus knew he didn’t have time to bicker.  So be it, he thought; he found himself surprisingly happy that Felton came looking for him anyway.  He sent Felton back to the where the tracks ended, and they went opposite directions looking for her tracks to start again.  Half an hour later Elkus heard Felton shouting across the field.  Elkus took off at once and ran until his lungs were full of hot fire; ignoring the pain, he ran some more.  When Elkus approached, he noticed that Felton was crouched over something on the ground.  Elkus got on his knees next to Felton and picked up what he had been shouting over.  It was a green scarf.  The same green scarf that Christina wore during the winter.  Why would she have tossed the scarf down? he wondered.

“You’s did good, Felt.  This is hers,” Elkus said as he pulled out his compass and map.  From the end of the tracks to where they were, she was headed northeast.  He consulted his map and knew almost at once where she was headed.  Crichton Caverns.  A series of deep caves that were alongside a mountain at the foothills of the Appalachians.  He loaded his pack and then took the .22 off his shoulder and handed it to Felton.

“You’s might not be the best there was with a blade, but you’ll do with the .22.  It very well might be wampus cats we’s dealing with after all.  They’s been known to nest in the Crichton.”  Felton checked to make sure there was a round in the chamber, and once he was satisfied he threw the rifle over his shoulder. 

And so they started the arduous trek across the terrain towards the Crichton.  Elkus knew they wouldn’t reach it by nightfall, and although he felt unadulterated courage coursing through his body, he knew that tracking in the dark would be more than just a foolish thing to do.  He figured they would be about five miles shy of the caverns by the time they made camp.  That would have to do, he thought, and then started saying silent prayers, pleading and hoping that she was still alive.  The chances were good considering that wampus cats took fresh food in the summer, but in the winter they would take food and save it for a rainy day, so to say.  He prayed and begged silently that this was the case.

They started making camp close to sunset; Felton gathered twigs, sticks and braches for the fire and Elkus pulled a wire out of his pack.  He set a trip-wire in a circle around their camp spot, to make sure no intruders would come in without at least getting tripped up and alerting Kus and Felt of their intrusion. 

After they had chowed down their supper, Elkus pulled his sharpening stone and oil out of his pack and then pulled his machete out of his pants.  He removed the cloth from the outside of the blade and gazed upon the steel for the first time in five years.  He immediately went to work, slowly dragging the oiled stone down the blade.  Felton pulled out a Spider-Man comic book out of his backpack and started reading the issue as Elkus entered into his own little world.  Slowly stroking in a meditative state, making sure to keep it at the right angle.  Smoothly stroking his blade, his mind started to wander.  Thoughts all leading to one thing:  Christina.  The girl that gave him funny feelings in his stomach. 

A gust of wind blew north and Elkus jerked his head south suddenly.  The wind brought him back to reality and that’s when he realized that Felton had been talking, “… I just don’t understand why they haven’t made a Spider-Man movie yet.  I mean, it’s 1987.  You’d think they would’ve came up with something by now.  Peter Parker.  Man, he deserves, like… at least four movies.  What’d’ya think, Kus?  You think that maybe twenty-five years or so from now that they’ll be four Spider-Man movies?  There totally should be.  I don’t think that’s overkill at all.  Not for Peter Parker.  I just wish he could actually keep a girlfriend.  Always havin’ girl problems…. Hey, what are you lookin’ at?”

Elkus had his gaze fixed on something in the darkness.  “There’s somethin’ on our trail.  Don’ rightly know what it is.”

Felton searched the darkness with his squinting eyes, trying to see what Elkus was seeing, “I don’t see nothin’.  How do you know something’s out there?”

“I smell it,” Elkus whispered.  He didn’t know the scent.  All he knew is that it wasn’t human, and it wasn’t a wampus cat.  After a few moments, his gaze went back to his blade.  He flipped her over and started working on the other side.  Felton eventually went back to blabbering on about his favorite comic books.  After Elkus was satisfied with the edge on his blade, he and Felton laid down to rest. 

During the night, Elkus awoke to the sound of a broken twig that couldn’t be more than a few feet away from him.  He jumped up and jerked his machete out of his pants.  He stayed still and listened quietly.  The fire had dwindled away and there was no movement that he could see in the darkness.  Another twig snapped behind him and he spun on one foot and was facing the culprit.  A beast of a creature was staring at him.  Elkus stayed frozen, blade in hand, and kept his gaze on the giant beast.  He tried to draw features of the creature in his mind from the darkness, but all he could make out was that he was big and hairy.  The creature slowly took and step back and disappeared into the darkness. 

After a moment of staying frozen, Elkus turned and grabbed a flashlight out of his pack and quickly shined in the direction of the creature’s exit.  Nothing was found except for the mass void of darkness.  Elkus walked out into the woods until he came across a print on the ground.  He kneeled next to it to examine the track that was left by the creature.  The only thing that Elkus could think at the time was, Man, that sucker’s got a big foot.

Elkus made his way back to the camp and then remembered the trip-wire.  How’d that big sucker get past my trip-wire?  Must have some smarts about him.

At sunrise, Elkus gently nudged Felton with his foot.  Felton jumped awake and yelled, “No, Peter Parker.  I don’t wanna kiss you upside down.  Wait, what?”  Elkus gave Felton a puzzled look.  Felton threw his hands up in confusion and both of them decided not to dive into whatever Felton had been dreaming.  The broke down camp, loaded their packs, and started their trek again.

Elkus decided it best not to tell Felton about the beastly creature in the night.  They had enough to be worried about, much less an intelligent, big-footed beast that snuck up near soundlessly, aside from the broken twigs.

As they approached the ridge of the Crichton Caverns, Elkus stopped and dropped his pack.  Felton followed suit and dropped his backpack.  They needed to travel lightly and quickly. 

“Okay, Felt.  From here’s on out, no talkin’,” Elkus told Felton, “ There’s only two caves up here that would be big enough for them’s kitties to nest in.  Look up the ridge there.  You’s see the third hole up, there’s on the right?”  Felton nodded.  Elkus continued, “That’s the first ‘un.  The next one is two holes up from that one on the left.”  With that being said, they started climbing the narrow trail that led up the ridge to the Crichton.

As they approached the first cave, Elkus made a hand signal to Felton to tell him to shoot them in the head.  Only the head.  A .22 round wouldn’t be big enough to do much damage anywhere else.  Felton nodded.  Elkus slowly pulled his machete out of his pants, said a silent prayer, and entered the cave.  Felton followed.  They crept along the walls in the dark; the only sound was Felton’s heavy breathing.  The narrow passage started tightening down around them the further they went.  They finally reached a wall about half a mile inside the cave.  Dead end and back to the surface. 

As they reached the mouth, Elkus glanced up and saw the silhouette of the beastly, big-footed creature.  Felton saw it at the same time and took in a breath and was about to scream when Elkus covered his mouth.  The creature obviously made a note of the two and then dipped out of the cave.  Elkus ran to chase it, but once he made it out of the cave the creature was nowhere in sight.  Felton came out wheezing shortly behind him.  Elkus saw that Felton had grown ghostly white and was clearly in shock.  Elkus just put a finger to his own lips to show that they didn’t need to make any sound.  Elkus didn’t give Felton a chance to give a silent questionnaire about the beast; he turned and made his way to second cave entrance.

Before they reached the edge of the cave, the boys heard the muffled voice of a man.  Not a creature, not the cry of a wampus cat, but indiscernible words being spoken by a man.  Felton shot Elkus a puzzled look, and Elkus shrugged his shoulders.  No time to waste anyway, Elkus thought.  He moved into the cave and after Felton drew in a few short breaths for encouragement, he followed.

It didn’t take long before a group of men were in sight around a small fire.  Christina was lying in the dirt next to them, hands and feet bound and blindfolded.  Elkus froze while the men couldn’t see him and watched until he saw Christina breathe.  Ah, the glorious funny feeling crept through Elkus’ stomach.  There would never be any right words to describe that feeling, he thought. 
No time, Kus, he thought, it’s past time to get this over with.

Elkus strolled up to a rock in the path and tapped the end of his blade on the rock three times.  TINK-TINK-TINK.  The men jumped up with a surprising quickness and finally Elkus was able to get a solid look-over of the men.  They were all dressed in fine clothing, but it appeared to be from the wrong century.  That’s exactly what it was.  Tattered and worn fine linens from the late 1800’s. 

Before Elkus could speak, one of the men interjected, “Well, it appears that two young lads have decided to join our company.  Would you young men join us at our fire and share our warmth?  Bocephus, throw some water in the pot over the fire.”  One of the other men pulled a cast-iron kettle out of a trail pack and rigged it over the fire.  He filled it with water from another pot.  “We have tea or coffee, young lads.  What’s your pleasure?”  A warm smile crossed over the man’s face.

Elkus didn’t like the smile the man showed.  It was too nice, too warm.  He glanced at Christina and finally spoke, “Don’ rightly reckon I take too kindly to you’s takin’ the one that gives me the funny feelin’s.”

All of the men looked back in a total state of bewilderment.  Felton stepped forward, and up until then Elkus had forgotten he was there.  There was only one thing on his mind: to save Christina from these strange men.

“Let me translate for you guys.  My brother doesn’t like you messin’ with his Kool-Aid,” Felton said as he pulled the .22 up and aimed his sights at Bocephus.

The men’s confusion seemed to grow as Elkus spoke again, “I don’ wanna kill you’s, so let me jus’ take her back, and that will be it for now.”

Suddenly a smile grew on each of the men’s faces.  More men walked out of the darkness and joined the four that were spread around the fire.  Elkus did a quick count and found that there was now ten men.  The men started to close in around them and Elkus noticed something was off with all of their faces.  Their teeth were odd; they seemed to be growing and becoming sharper.

“Young lads, I can’t believe I’ve been so rude as to not introduce myself, “  the first man said, “I’ve been called a lot of names, but now they call me Gerome.  And now that we’re friends, you can put down the weapons and join us at our fire for a hot cup of tea, and a warm conversation.”  Gerome’s smile kept growing, and his teeth kept extending into fangs.  The ten men had formed a complete circle around the boys.

“Tell me when,” Felton whispered.

“Now.”

Felton fired a shot into Bocephus’ leg.  It didn’t phase Bocephus at all.  Like Gerome, his smile seemed to just keep growing.  Elkus had seen enough.  He thrust his machete into Gerome’s gut in one quick slice and jerked it out and waited.  Nothing.  Not even any blood poured out of the wound.  The men kept moving inwards, tightening the circle down upon them.

“Don’t worry, young gents.  The pain won’t last long,” Gerome said as he licked his lips.  Elkus looked through two of the men, saw Christina in the dirt, and felt an electric surge flow through him.  He jumped in the air and kicked two of the men backwards.  It was time to make his blade sing its song.  Elkus’ machete danced through the air, slicing and thrusting at anything that came close to him. 
Felton fired a round into a man’s head, waited for him to fall, and then shot another one.  The first man he had shot stood right back up, the smile had disappeared, though.  Pure anger had taken over the man’s body.  He started stomping towards Felton and then all of a sudden his head flew off of his body.  Felton was bewildered.  Elkus was behind him fighting two of them at once.  The headless body that Felton was staring at stood by itself for a moment and then fell limp to the dirt.  The beastly, big-footed creature stepped into the dim light, holding two swords made from flint.  He handed one to Felton, who was still in total shock.  The creature’s face looked like it might be a hybrid mixture of a gorilla and a man. 

“Cut heads,” the creature growled.  Felton was still frozen in fear.

Elkus never missed a beat.  The next time his blade went through the air, it removed Gerome’s head from his body.  Felton finally shook back to life and started swinging wildly.  All three fought back to back until only one man, or whatever this was, was alive.  Elkus did a leg sweep and knocked the man on his back and thrust his blade through the man’s stomach to pin him to the ground.

Elkus dropped his face to the man’s and furiously asked, “What are you’s?”

The man smiled and said, “We are many, young lad.  A breed that is driven to feed off the syrup of life.  An ancient breed that is resilient to all forms of society.  We have a never-ending drive to drink humanity dry.”  With that, the man smiled that warm, inviting smile that Elkus was already growing to hate, and flashed his fangs.  In one smooth movement, Elkus removed his machete from the man’s body, and then relieved the man of the weight of his head.

“Vampires?  Like, vampires for real?”  Felton had almost forgotten about the beastly creature that had saved them and he jumped when he growled.

“Yar, must cut heads.  Only way,” and with that, the creature slipped off into the shadows of the walls and was gone.

Felton was in total shock, threw his hands up, and yelled, “WHAT IN THE HOLY FECES PIE IS GOING ON?!  Did we just kill a bunch of vampires?  And what the crap was that thing?” he pointed towards the direction the creature had disappeared.

Elkus shook his head and made his way to Christina, “Dunno.  He sure had some big feet, though.  Think I’s just gonna call him Bigfoot.”

He cut the ropes that had Christina bound and removed her blindfold.  She was asleep, and after several failed attempts to wake her, Elkus just threw her over his shoulders and started heading towards the mouth of the cave. 

“C’mon, Felt.  Let’s go while the gettin’s good,” Elkus didn’t want to take a chance if there were more vampires deeper in the cave.

When they reached the edge of the woods where Felton had left his bike, Christina started to moan, so Elkus gently laid her down on a bed of pine straw.  Felton squeaked his bike up next to them and then winked at Elkus before he said, “I’m gonna ride ahead and let them know y’all are comin’.”  He started the pull away on his bike and then hit the pedal brakes and turned to face Elkus, “What are we gonna tell them, Kus?  They won’ believe that there were vampires.”

“Wampus cats,” Christina mumbled.  Elkus jerked towards her.  To hear her voice, her sweet, sweet voice.  The funny feelings started to creep through his stomach, and he gladly welcomed them.
“Tell them ‘twas wampus cats,” she whispered.  Elkus and Felton nodded.  As Felton rode away, Elkus’ and Christina’s gaze couldn’t be separated.  “You came for me.”

Elkus nodded and said, “You lost your scarf.”  He pulled it out of his pack and wrapped it around her neck.

She smiled and asked, “Will you help me up?  I’m sure Ma’s cried six rivers by now.”
Elkus laughed as he pulled her up off the ground, “Yeah, she’s already cried three’s of ‘em before we left.”

A group of men met them about half way down the trail headed into the village.  Bo Dean was at the tail-end of the group with his head hung down in shame.  Obviously his search had been unfruitful.  Elkus couldn’t help but smile; this was his moment, and it wouldn’t last long.

After Mayflower had equally scorned and hugged Elkus, they joined the rest of the village for a celebration.  All was merry and right in the village, and throughout the night, Elkus and Christina would catch each other’s glimpses from distances apart.  A ghost of a smile would form on Christina’s face at the sight of Elkus, and Elkus would feel warm all over.

Early the next morning, Elkus awoke to the sound of somebody climbing up their tree house ladder.  He jumped up and opened the latch to welcome them.  It was Christina, and her eyes were filled with tears.  She explained that her mother had said she would never be able to sleep in this village again, overwhelmed with fear that the wampus cats would return to take her or one of her brothers or sisters.  They were leaving that very moment to a hillbilly community in Canada.  Everyone knows that the northern wampus cats are too cowardly to attempt a kidnapping.  Elkus never said a word.  He just listened along and felt his heart breaking the whole time.  She placed the green scarf into Elkus’ hands, kissed him on the cheek, and then twirled down the rope.  Elkus’ grip tightened around the scarf and he felt his father’s hands fall on his shoulders.

“I know what you’re thinkin’ right now, son, “Maynard soothingly said to his son.  “You’re thinkin’ that no good deed goes unpunished.  You might be right, but you can ne’er stop fightin’ the good fight, son.”
Elkus’ grip loosened on the scarf.  He dug his face into it and drew in the scent through his nostrils.  Sweet, sweet Christina Biskus.  She had saved his friend’s johnson, had been taken hostage by a nest of vampires, and now was leaving the village as a product of her mother’s fear.  His father was right, though.  He knew he would have to keep fighting the good fight.  Elkus was young, but he was starting to taste bitterness for the first time.  He realized that without fighting the good fight, it would be real easy to lose one’s self to the darkness of the world. 

So he would fight, if for nothing else… then for Christina Biskus.