Party Like A Werewolf

So, to show your appreciation to your friend the werewolf (and to keep from being eaten alive), you have managed to score third-row seats to a Foreigner concert. (Unbelievably, REO Speedwagon was sold out….who knew?) Now you need to consider how you will handle this ever-so-delicate situation. You certainly can’t just bust up into a crowded concert with a werewolf, obviously. So let’s talk about what you need to do to prepare and how you can both enjoy a festive night of classic rock and booze without things getting too hairy (No pun intended).

1)      Give the werewolf your gift- Locate the werewolf that assisted you in escaping the witches. He’ll be the one with the headphones. You may want to learn his name too. Go ahead and ask. If you’re going to be spending a lot of time together you need to know. It’s Jethro. He’s adopted this moniker as a tribute to his all time favorite band, Jethro Tull. When you give him the tickets and the concert T-shirt, he’s going to be extremely excited. DO NOT let him hug you. It will be tricky to avoid this, but werewolves are walls of pure muscle. He will squeeze you to death, and that, my friend, is no pleasant way to die. Once he has the tickets and shirt, NOW may be a good time to discuss your IPod. Although, I’d probably just ask if I could borrow it sometime.

2)      If all else fails, tickle him- Okay, let’s be honest. More than likely, you will forget what I am telling you, so once he has you in his rippling biceps the best way to escape is to use your free finger to tickle him in the ribs. Believe it or not, werewolves are extremely ticklish. And, he’ll just think you are being playful so maybe he will let you live. Maybe. Werewolves have a pretty good sense of humor.

3)      He’s gonna want to go out before the concert- The thing about Jethro is, he’s a pretty big party animal, literally. He likes to booze it up, so be prepared, because he will want to go out before the concert starts. The best way to approach this is to remind him how expensive souvenirs are and tell him you want to save your money for a sweet “Cold as Ice” T-shirt. He will understand. Then suggest that you grab a sixer and head to your place. Go ahead and buy three boxes of Crest Whitestrips and some hedge trimmers. You’ll need them later. While you’re at home, you will need to smooth talk him into the grooming process.

4)      Grooming Process? – Yes. What are you going to do, let him go with you in public covered in hair, razor sharp claws and teeth gleaming in the moonlight? I’ve got a feeling you two won’t make it past security. You’re going to have to deal with accomplice to murder charges when the werewolf eats the security guard…it just won’t be a pleasant situation. Nobody wants any of that. So, here’s what needs to happen. You need to let the werewolf have the majority of the booze. You’re going to want to be sober for this anyway, in case the situation was to get out of hand. Now, once he’s got a little bit of a buzz you can discuss getting out the clippers. Just use the excuse that the ladies like a smooth canvas and he’ll be all over it. Also explain that his new Speedwagon shirt is going to fit much better once he has a hairless chest. This is going to take some time, so I’d advise getting an early start.

"What do you mean I have excessive hair?  

Wait, did you say Foreigner?  I effin' LOVE Foreigner!

Where's the booze?"

5)      Grooming, Continued- I told you this would be a process. So, now that Jethro is somewhat normal-looking, time to focus on those teeth and nails. Again, use the ladies as the excuse. Here’s where the Whitestrips and hedge trimmers will come in. Trim up his claws and go the full three rounds on the Whitestrips. You can’t be too careful.

6)      Keep a low profile- Once you make it to the concert venue, Jethro will certainly want to peruse the beer and souvenir stands. You want to try and deter this if you can. He will most certainly want excessive amounts of 8 dollar beer and another T-shirt, and Werewolves don’t have jobs. Who do you think is going to pay for all that stuff? Don’t be a sucker. But if you can’t get keep him away, just buy whatever he wants. Again, you don’t want to be eaten alive.

7)      DO NOT let him crowd surf- Oh, trust me, he’s going to want to. But keep in mind, not only is he a ferocious werewolf; he’s also 8 feet tall and 600 pounds of muscle. Try to keep him focused on the righteous guitar solos. This will also keep his attention off the women flashers. You know how he likes to go shirtless and if he sees this it will only be a matter of time before his pectorals will be shining. The main thing to remember is rule #6. KEEP A LOW PROFILE.

8)      He’s going to insist on getting an autograph- No, no and NO. You MUST get out of this however you need to. First of all, you do not have VIP tickets, so whatever you do to try and meet the band will most likely be illegal (refer back to rule #6). Secondly, there is the possibility of him squeezing a band member to death. Or eating one. Do you really want to be the reason for Foreigner’s demise? I didn’t think so. No one wants that on their soul. The best suggestion I have is telling him that you heard a rumor that there is going to be a craaazzzzy after party at this hot Succubae’s  house and that you guys need to check it out. Assure him that with his new sleek appearance and the way that T-shirt is hugging his biceps, the ladies won’t be able to resist him. Trust me, he’ll be game. Once you drive by your imaginary friends house and no one is there, tell him you must have the wrong address. You can drive around a little longer and then yawn and tell him you might call it a night. (If you are lucky, he’s about to pass out from the booze anyway, if not he’ll be tired of riding around). This is a win-win.

Remember these rules and you should have an excellent time at the concert without receiving any significant prison time. Next time, though, I’d probably just buy him a subscription to ITunes. Face it, if you want the werewolf to remain your accomplice, (and you do), you aren’t getting your IPod back.

Part 2: The Willie Situation

After the incident at the barber shop, Elkus and Felton grew close in their acquaintance, so far as to surpass a normal friendship.  They quickly became brothers of the non-relational type.  Felton, as it turned out, was from Rising Fawn, GA, which as we all know is just down the road a bit from Toppersville, which the Bennermun family called home. 

Not much could keep the brothers separated from each other, especially during the summer in which Felton’s schools were out, and Elkus’ master elder was taking his routine tour of the other tree house communities that were spread across the southeast.  In the summer of ’82, all was as it should be in the world, until Elkus’ 7^th birthday, and the course of his childhood was changed due to a grave tragedy that his friend and brother, Felton, fell victim to.

All the children of the community had left their tree houses and joined Elkus in the celebration of his 7^th birthday, because as we all know this is when the boys of Toppersville are awarded with their first machete.  It is a most special occasion, in which no child can deny to attend.  The children were amidst a game of ‘Hide and Go Cornhole’ (not as risqué as it might sound) when Maynard and Mayflower Bennermun called attention to all the children.  All watched with awe as Elder Biskus presented Elkus with a cloth-wrapped object.  Elkus pulled back the cloth and a smile lit up his face as he inspected the freshly sharpened machete that was glistening in the summer sun.  If only he knew the sadness that would soon follow, his smile would have disappeared without a trace.

After all the children had finished inspecting the awe inspiring piece of work that Elkus had received for his birthday, it was time for the gathering to conclude.  Felton has previously been granted permission to spend the night with the Bennermuns, so as soon as the rest of the children had vanished, Felton leaned in with a sly smile and whispered, “C’mon, Elkus.  I don’t really think we have a choice in the matter.  Let’s go split some pinecones with your new blade.”

Elkus smiled and gave a single nod.  Oh, the excitement that was flowing through his veins as he sliced and sliced and sliced.  The machete and arm were as one, just as he was taught in his studies of ‘Machete Enlightenment’ from his master elder. 

Felton watched and cheered, and every time the blade found its target he would yell, “DADOOSH!”

Finally, Elkus lightly flipped the blade around, catching it by its blade-end, and gently handed the handle to Felton.  Felton immediately went to work, slashing the blade about in ways that would make the master elder cringe, but Elkus enjoyed watching his friend have fun.  He really didn’t care that Felton wasn’t enlightened in the way of the blade, he just simply enjoyed his company. 

Elkus heard a movement in the woods behind him and instantly turned and found himself in a crouched defensive position.  He watched silently and motionlessly into the woods as his friend continued his clumsy blade thrashes behind him.  He soon saw the origin of the sound, just a simple fawn. 

“Prolly just tryin’ to find your ma, aren’t ya?”  He said to his friend of nature.  Elkus gave the creature a curt nod and turned back to face Felton.

Felton slowly turned to face Elkus, and Elkus’ eyes went wide and he felt as he was in slow-motion as he raised his hands and began to yell, “Nooooooo….”

Felton had put the machete in his pants, and had his hand on the blade, but Elkus knew that Felton had no pants sheath in his pants.  A grave mistake to be made, indeed.  Felton, pretending to be a master machete-wielder, jerked the blade out and quickly followed his motion with a high-pitched scream.  The scream ended abruptly as Felton fainted and plopped on the ground with his unconsciousness.  Elkus ran and slid in next to his friend, his brother, and with no hesitation removed his pants to find the horror that awaited him.

Elkus called all of his strength from within, and threw Felton over his shoulders and ran as far as he could back to the Bennermun tree house.  He soon grew weary, though, and had to lay his friend down in a bed of straw.

“Stay with us, brother.  I’ll getcha help.  Stay strong, stay with us,” he whispered into Felton’s ear before he took off with lightning speed.  He yelled at the top of his lungs as he ran, ignoring the feeling of burning coals filling his lungs as he ran out of air. 

“HIS WILLIE!  HE CUT HIS WILLIE!  HELP!  WILLLLIIIIIEEEEE!!!!” he screamed as he ran through the woods.  He was soon met by a girl that he had just seen not an hour before. 

Pretty Christina Biskus, granddaughter to Elder Biskus, who had previously presented the blade that had just sliced through his friend’s penis.  Elkus was just barely able to explain to her what had happened through his short bursts of words, which were repeatedly broken by his body trying to suck in air.  Stupid lungs, I gots more important things to do than breathe, he thought. 

Luckily for them all, as the boys were taught the tricks and magic of machete-use, the girls of Toppersville were taught to be craftily clever in make-shift medicinal matters.  When they returned and found Felton where he had been left, they soon realized that he had returned to consciousness.  “Elkus, did I cut my tally-whacker off?  Oh, God… please tell me I didn’t cut my ding-a-ling off.”

Elkus grabbed his brother’s hand as Christina quickly made a bandage out of one of Felton’s socks and some duct tape.  She stopped the bleeding and although it was just barely attached, his friend’s penis was still, nonetheless, attached. 

After Elkus had managed to get Felton back to the Bennermun tree house, Christina and Mayflower took Felton in, and Elkus and Maynard waited outside underneath the tree house together.  Elkus was fidgety in his pacing back and forth from tree to tree.  Maynard did his best to sooth his son’s pain, often offering sayings of comfort as, “Son, I’m sure your friend’s johnson is going to be just fine.  Ma’s probably one of the best in the state at securin’ nearly detached peckers.  And young Miss Biskus seems to be helpin’ just fine.”

Nothing that his father could say to him could ease the pain or the guilt.  The guilt is what was driving him to the point of losing his sanity.  It was his blade, and his own foolishness for ignoring his friend’s use of a deadly weapon.  He should have paid closer attention, he thought.  He had made up his mind, he was to put his blade down to rest, and never pick it up again.  He would pursue a life of peace, and do whatever in his means to make it up to his friend for this great penile misfortune. 

As he paced back and forth, praying for his friend’s crotch, Christina gracefully slid down the rope to face Elkus.

She caught her breath, gazed deep into Elkus’ eyes, and said, “We saved your friend’s nether-piece.  He’s gonna be fine.  He don’t need to touch it or play with it for a few months, but it should be fine.”  Elkus threw his arms around Christina and thanked her over and over for the kindness she had shown.  He, of course, didn’t feel her heart fluttering as he showed his appreciation.  Elkus, although wise for his age of 7, took no notice of such attention from others.  The only thing he cared for at that moment was his brother’s trouser snake.  He left Maynard and Christina and practically flew up the ladder that was nailed to the tree to see to his friend.

After Felton reassured Elkus that his willie was going to be fine, Elkus took his machete, cleaned the penis blood from the blade, wrapped it in its original cloth cover, and secured it under his mattress.  He would begin his walk to find other enlightenments, never to take the way of the blade again… or so he thought.