The real questions we need to be asking ourselves are 'who is what?' and 'what in the holy feces can we do about it?'.
As for the latter, there's no way that I can tell you to sharpen your blade and go cut some celebrity effers, but surely I can address the former and at least shine the light on a few well-known folks who have been fooling us into thinking that they're actually, like, real people and stuff.
1. John Stamos
The Full House dude? Oh yeah. The Full House dude is totally a vampire.
I'm not even going to pretend to lie and say that I have viable evidence proving that Uncle Jesse runs around in the dark and drinks blood from the Olsen twins and what have you, but according to his "birth certificate" he is 49.
"Stay still so I can stare through your soul. Stop moving. Quit it!"
49? That's a joke, right? All I'm saying is that if he can fool us into thinking he's 49 (when he's clearly not) is that in reality he's probably 323, and he likes to rip people's throats out for brunch. Seems feasible to me, and I'm clearly a professional at this stuff.
2. Sam Elliot
You will never know how devastatingly crushed I was when I found out that Sam Elliot was a member of a nonhuman species. I love Sam Elliot, and I'm also pretty sure that he invented the mustache. Now I've come to realize that he didn't really invent the mustache, he's just a werewolf instead.
"Where's my Journey album, you a-holes? Grr..."
Ryan, if you're just basing this totally off of his hair, then you're wrong, buddy. Clearly he's not hairy all over.
Get your head out of your keister, douche. -- Keister douche, that doesn't sound appetizing at all.
Anyway, back to answering your question. Obviously he has somebody on staff that shaves his whole body; after shaving his shoulders and biceps it was time for a smoke break. Think before you ask stupid questions like that. Jeez!
Plus, do I even need to mention the fact that he is the best growler ever? Coincidence? Can't be. The lesson to be learned here is to never stare Sam Elliot in the eyes... unless you want him to eat your face and dry-hump your bloody carcass to the tune of some Boston. Let's face it, with that mustache he's not going to give up any opportunity for some dry-humpage.
3. Helena Bonham Carter
She's a zombie.
That is all.
"Braaaiiiiinnnss"
4. Tom Cruise
This might not be a total shocker to most of you. We've all had our suspicions wondering if Tom Cruise was a homosexual alien or not. It's been a debate for years among all of the professional and amateur alike.
Our greatest fears have been met, though, to actually find out that he is a demonic midget. Holy poo-in-my-pants!
"Yeah, you just thought I was good at pretending to
like women on-screen and stuff. Jokes on you, schlub!"
Ryan, if he were possessed by a demon, wouldn't he be in the Church of Satan and not an avid member with those crazy Scientology taint crusties?
All I can say is that whatever demon is possessing Tom has probably read The Art of War. You know, that book written by that Chinese dude a long time ago that's about diversion tactics and stuff. What a better place to hide than directly in the light, preaching about Xenu bringing people to earth 75 fricktillion years ago, when really he's just thinking about new ways to crawl on the ceiling and creepy stuff he can say in German. Seems reasonable to me.
It's like when you get the creepy feeling laying in bed, and you're quite certain that a cannibalistic clown is under your bed, so you slowly move to your defensive position and look under the bed. Of course there's not a clown under the bed; that's just crazy. But as soon as you lay down your head, Tom Cruise crawls out of the lampshade and starts vomiting pureed asparagus in your direction. See? Diversion, baby. He knows what he's doing, that creepy SOB.
Also, we can't look over the fact that he's three feet tall and made us all believe that he's a normal-sized human. What a tricky b-hole! Well, we're not falling for that crap anymore, Tom. No more!
